so yesterday was fathers day. no big deal. well thats a lie. it was a big deal. i mean it wasnt hugely traumatic but it sucked. i thought aboutmy dad all day and i really didnt want to. i remember at school we would always make fathers day cards. and i used to get so excited. now i cant do that. and im not excited. i thought about him a lot. i wondered if he was thinking about me. i almost wanted to call him, just to say happy fathers day. so he would know that some part of me still loves him and cares how hes doing. i know that probably sounds sick. im supposed to hate the person who did this stuff to me. i wish i could have just ONE strong emotion toward him, wheither it be love or hate. just one. so i didnt feel so crazy and torn.

anyway i knew fathers day would suck. i went camping with my best friend, just to get away from it all. and i sat on the beach yesterday watching my dog swim. and thinking about the good times. remembering the fun stuff. and all the times my dad tried to be a good parent. i think it was all out of guilt. or trying to shut me up. either way, i do have some good memories and im really happy for that.

i just dont get it, still. i was reading one of jaspers posts and he was talking about being the 'moody' kid and something about that really hit me. i was ALWAYS that kid. my family and my teachers and everyone always said i was too sensitive. i remember id cry at school a lot. about nothing. i would cry about anything and everything. and youd think someone would wonder why. and i had a really bad temper. as much as a little kid can anyway. i got sent home from school a few times for doing stupid things. and no one asked questions. im not blaming anyone. i just find it sad, no one ever asked me why or what was going on in my life.

anyway im all over the place with this post. i dont think i had a point to begin with. just that fathers day sucks. and it brought back a ton of memories, good and bad. and i miss my dad. and i wish i could be 8 years old making him a card at school and running home really excited to give it to him.