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#73320 - 06/06/05 06:33 PM my first post - my experience
Verb Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 4
I was a victim of sexual assault on July 3, 1995.

What follows is my account of the events leading up to and beyond that time.

In 1994-1995, I was a regular patron of a local coffeeshop. During that time, we (people I worked with) and I would frequent the place regularly, several times per week. I eventually developed a casual, cordial relationship with some of the regular persons that also frequented the establishment. After approx. a year of speaking with some of the people there, one person who was also a regular customer asked if I would want to hang-out with him and a friend of his at his friend’s apartment, and go to a few bars/clubs. I didn’t know the person well, but figured I knew him well enough to hang out and have a few beers.

We went out to a couple local places, then back to the friend’s apartment. I believe that at that time, they had been spiking my drinks with tranquilizers, gradually, throughout the night. When I was too drunk to drive home and close to passing-out, I asked if I could sleep on the “friend’s” couch. He was insistent that I slept in the bed, and although I didn’t want to, I eventually crashed there at approx. 9-10 p.m.

My next memory was waking-up at about 10 a.m. the next day (about 12 hours later). The “friend” was in the bed next to me, wearing only underwear. Upon realizing that I was awake, the person tried to insert his hand down the front of my pants (I was fully-clothed). I believe that this was some kind of effort to get me to believe that something had happened, consensually, that I didn’t remember. I got out of the bed and left the apartment, at that point, without talking to the person. I was very sick for the next 24 hours.

It took me probably several days to really process what had happened that night. I was in a lot of physical pain at that time, from being sexually assaulted, but was in severe denial. It was about a month before I saw any doctors to try to sort-out what I had to do to make sure I wasn‘t infected with any STD‘s or H.I.V. I don’t need to tell the other members of this board who have experienced this first-hand, how stressful this process is, and how much anxiety it causes. I had a mixed-bag experience with doctors (I had a chronic-pain condition as a result of the assault), some of whom were understanding, others just seemed to want me out of their office a.s.a.p.

I did not report the assault to police, as I was a closeted gay man at the time, working a blue-collar job, and couldn’t deal with the stigma of anyone knowing about it. I realized, later, just how little I knew about the people who assaulted me, and what an easy victim I had been. I’m sure they realized that I would not tell anyone, because I wasn’t “out”, and that they could put whatever spin they wanted to on the events since I had no friends in their circles.

After spending my savings on medical treatment, and therapy/counseling for several years following this incident, I would have liked to say that this was the end of my experience with the people who perpetrated this. But unfortunately it was not. In the last several years, I learned that the people who assaulted me (I now believe there were others involved, not just the two that were present during the time I was conscious that night) had conducted a campaign of slander & incrimination against me, including using illegally-obtained images (of me) I believe, to pose as me on local gay sites and solicit sexual contact from underage persons. Because of this I have been harassed online and received harassing material at my residence, by/from people who think I was the one who transmitted this material, and have been shunned by local business owners/patrons (at local coffeeshops where I used to hang-out), who now think that I’m there to solicit people for sex.

Basically, at this point, I feel that I have no other option but to leave this community, and hope for something better, outside of these people’s sphere of influence. I see no way to salvage my reputation, and really no longer have the energy mentally and physically to continue fighting this decade-old battle.

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered similar things. I know now that this experience is something that never really leaves you, as I have thought about and relived portions of it and dealt with the consequences of it every single day for a decade. I have feelings of horrible guilt about the other people that it has affected. People in my family, who have had to support me, and deal with my anger and depression, and many close friends who I have drifted away from without explanation. I have developed some weight and drinking problems, but have been lucky that none have been serious.

In conclusion, I continue to hope for the best, but usually expect the worst, and live day-to-day.

Thanks for maintaining this board.

#73322 - 06/07/05 04:06 AM Re: my first post - my experience
Rustam Offline

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
Hi and welcome to the site,I hope you find it helpful. You will be understood here.

Wishing you the best.


#73323 - 06/08/05 11:07 PM Re: my first post - my experience
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
I want to echo the welcome!

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you in 95. I am no attorney, but maybe another member who reads this can help you out - I would investigate what options are available to prevent any futher backlash from that incident. I am especially concerned about the Internet stuff - it sounds to me that they have essentialy stolen part of your identity and are using it for illegal and/or illicit activities. There has GOT to be some way that you can protect yourself.

You have to be living a nightmare at this point and it must obviously be a small town for them to shun you like this... I can't begin to imagine having to leave my home under those circumstances.

You ARE in a safe place here, though. We are here to listen and offer feedback when asked.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#73324 - 06/10/05 06:02 AM Re: my first post - my experience
Verb Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 4
Thank you for your posts.

I guess that if I have anything to offer here, or to anyone, as far as advice, it would be that these bizzarre things that no one thinks can ever happen to them (like male sexual assault), does in fact happen to some people, and that there are steps that people can take to minimize some of the risks. I was an easy target for the perpetrators because I had no circle of friends, was not "out" to anyone, and basically had no one to go to when it occurred. This is what these people count on and look for in a victim. They know that after a certain period of time, they are relatively safe from prosecution, and can put whatever spin on the event that they want to.

I knew some of the people involved, casually, for almost a year before this occurred. So, don't think that just because someone has earned your trust, that this can't happen. These kinds of people can be patient and methodical when picking someone to victimize. I honestly believe now that the people involved in my sexual assault had a very "complete" plan for carrying it out, in advance, including the defamation and framing that took place later. It is very difficult for a single person to refute a rumor that has been perpetuated by several persons, especially when the realization that this is happening may not be evident for many years following the event.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is to always have somone to watch your back in these social settings, as you never truly know who you may be dealing with.


#73326 - 06/16/05 09:57 PM Re: my first post - my experience
Verb Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 4
I did have some therapy for a couple years.

As far as the current situation, I'm not exactly sure who to go to. I have seen a lawyer about the harassment. I have considered trying to contact, through a third-party, some of the people who I believe may have received some of the material that was sent by them, in an effort to collect more information, but I'm not sure just how to approach it, and don't have a lot of $$ for legal help.

#73327 - 06/17/05 12:12 AM Re: my first post - my experience
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello Verb,

I'm glad that you have found this place of support for men who have been raped or otherwise sexually abused.

In my case, it was both. I was sexually abused by an older man/father figure/religious leader when I was a teenager.

Later, as an adult gay man struggling with accepting myself and using alcohol as a coping tool, I was raped on at least 2 different occasions while in a blackout.

In all of these cases, I took absolutely no action towards the perpetrators. Instead, I took the shame and guilt inside of me.

Now years later, I have begun to understand that what happened to me was not my fault. No matter how needy a teenager I was; no matter how drunk I was an adult, I did not cause myself to be abused. It was not my fault, no matter what. The shame and guilt belong to those who sexually molested me.

To this day, I have taken very little action regarding the men who raped/abused me. It is no longer a secret, that is probably the biggest difference.

And the other big difference is that I am no longer willing to carry around the shame that they foisted off on me. I have felt it, explored it, and become willing to let go of it.

That has made all the difference in the world. Oh trust me, I am not through yet with the letting go of the shame. And somewhere down the line, it could well be that those who took immoral and illegal advantage of me may find themselves on the receiving end of some pretty bad karma.

Still I know that it will come about as the result of me doing what is best for ME.

I tell you this little bit about me to let you know that it seems to me that you have done a very good job of making progress in such a difficult situation. No one wants to grow up to be a victim of rape. It is something that is thrust upon us by the sickness and cruelty of others.

So we don't really have the game plan for dealing with the after effects of such a trauma. But by coming here and working with other guys who have been through similar circumstances, I have slowly been able to work my way out of and through a lot of the pain and confusion that plagued my life as the result of being sexually abused.

I don't know how it will all work out, exactly, in the end. Because I am not through living yet, and I have gained a lot of hope through my efforts at recovery.

I am sorry for what brought you to this place, but I am glad that you are here. This is a place of hope and there is a way out. Keep coming around and reading and posting as you like.

We're here for you.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#73329 - 06/20/05 08:59 PM Re: my first post - my experience
Verb Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 4
Thanks for your replies/support.

I'm not sure I would classify it as "stalking". To me, it has been more attempts at slander/framing and continued victimization. I believe they want me either in jail from this frame-up, dead from suicide or stress, or at the very least discredited to the point where nothing I say will ever be believed by anyone. My presence in the same area is a threat to them, as I know who/what they are, and they are probably afraid of it getting out. I consider it as one of the biggest mistakes of my life not reporting my sexual assault soon after the event. I have worried a lot about there possibly being other victims of these people, before or after what happened to me, and now worry aobut these people possibly continuing to victimize others.

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