well i am posting messages all over here, ive been reading things on this site for about an hour and i am starting to feel like less of a messed up freak. i cant seem to 'date' at all. i try. ive had relationships bu i cant deal with intimacy. to me sex means being drunk. without lots of drinking, i cant deal with it. im a college student so i guess that is partly normal. but certainly not healthy. i have guilt about being gay. i confuse my sexuality with all the abuse crap. i cant separate one from the other. and its funny how easily all these thoughts are coming out right now, because i dont think ive ever even admitted any of this to myself. (cue the therapist). i dont know. i want to feel alive and i cant. i want to trust someone. and stop hating myself. im not sure what else i have to say. but yeah. this is a cool place to vent.