Welcome Jasper to MaleSurvivor,
I am so sorry for the sadness and difficulties that have brought you here, but I am very glad that you have found this place.
You will find a lot of hope here and also many who share your feelings about how their abuse has affected them.
I have had symptoms of ptsd as a result of the terrorist attacks in NYC in 2001. It seemed to re-hurt me in every single place I had ever been hurt before.
It helped me to realize that my pain was not because I was weak or inadequate, though that is the way it felt. My pain came as the result of the sick, twisted actions of other individuals.
Once I was able to start getting that inappropriate responsibility off of my back, dealing with the symptoms of the ptsd became much more manageable.
There seems to be a trick our human minds have devised to allow ourselves to survive overwhelming emotional experiences. We take in the experiences but do not have the energy or ability to process them.
These are the traumas that come back to cause the stress disorder that manifests itself in so many awful ways in my life. Nightmares, panic, phobias, fear, distrust, the list goes on.
In a way, though, it seems to me that the fact that we are finally confronting our long ago hurts and sorrows must mean that we are somehow ready and able to finally move past them.
You are taking the most important steps of all: acknowledging the pain, sharing it with others who understand and getting competent professional help.
As gay men, we are sometimes subjected to abusive conditions in our society just because of who we are. This can compound and magnify other problems and hurts and make them seem insurmountable. But thank God today there is a lot of help and many resources available to gay men. MaleSurvivor is one of those resources.
Please keep coming back and reading and writing as it feels comfortable to you. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me or any other member of the moderator staff. Our names appear at the top of the forums we moderate and we are all ready to give any assistance we can.
The main thing is to take good and gentle care of yourself. You have been through a lot and deserve some loving care and attention.
Once again, welcome here.
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"
-Tony Joe White