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#73194 - 04/24/05 11:24 PM my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
drewster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/23/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Colorado, US
I donít know if I should be posting here or not. Iíve ended up here though...maybe even been led here. Maybe I was meant to find this place, maybe not...I donít know if I was actually abused or not. There may be triggers in here too, I donít know yet.

My ex abused me, I know that for certain Ė- he frequently exposed me to graphic porn I didnít like, and fondled and groped and molested me almost on a regular basis. If I didnít let him have his way, I didnít love him. He could notice other attractive people, mostly women but sometimes men, while I was often afraid to even make eye contact with other people. Once he definitely raped me, I didnít want him on me and didnít feel I could say no, and afterwards I felt used and violated, and I was even more afraid of him. So many times in ten years that we had sex, I donít know how often I really wanted it, and how often maybe...I was just doing what he expected of me. I have no idea. I just know I was attracted to him physically for a while, then I wasnít, then it was torture when heíd touch me, then I was finally free, then I didnít want to have anything to do with another person again, didnít want to be touched ever again, felt nothing when I was touched. But thatís not all from a sexually abusive reaction, I was severely traumatized in many other ways by him, and really by others long before him, and nearly a year later Iím beginning to recover.

Not long after it ended, I began to write again. Eventually I started writing a story that included a character whoíd just appeared out of nowhere and turned out to be very dynamic, very interesting. I researched a lot to learn more about him, and soon found myself reading about relationships, and abuse, and how to recognize abusive relationships.

The notion that I was in such a relationship had crossed my mind many times over the years, but he never hit me so it couldnít have been abuse...and even if it was, at least I wasnít alone, someone apparently did find me worthy enough to spend his life with, and he was always saying he loved me so much anyway.

As I read the warning signs, the notion once again took hold, and wouldnít leave this time -Ė and several months later, I finally fully realized and acknowledged that I had been in a domestic abuse situation, and indeed had been abused nearly all my life. I was so used to it, it was normal for Iíd never noticed it. Thought I had, but tended to shrug it off, Iíd just been mistaken. Turns out, I hadnít been mistaken. Iíd been right about something after all. That felt strange. At least Iíve been able to get help for the initial recovery.

That particular character had also been molested as a child, so I read up on male SA survivors. For some reason though, I mostly just skimmed that information. Something in me didnít want to look at it...I ignored it, and ignored that, almost as though I didnít want to admit to myself that I was ignoring it...didnít want myself to find out I was, or something.

Thereíd been that time when I was in third grade, and the neighbor kid wanted oral sex from me nearly every day for a long time, I donít know how long...but that was so long ago, it didnít bother me, Iíd liked it anyway and besides, he was only a few years older than me at the time, and I looked forward to it. Somebody wanted to play with me, at a time when I had no friends. It was supposed to be a secret too...and I know thatís the reason why Iím unable to enjoy a sexual encounter myself, I only get gratification when I give a guy oral sex, then lay on my back or stomach like Iím expected to, whichever he wants, until heís done. The idea that Iím there too, sex and making love are meant to be mutual, is difficult for me to comprehend. I donít count, I never have, my feelings donít matter, his pleasure is all thatís important.

I know where that comes from.

But Iíve been over it for a very long time....

At least, I think I have.

Now, Iím not so sure. Iíve ignored it for so long...I have no desire to confront it, and I donít know if itís because I really am over it, or just afraid of it. It keeps floating to the surface Iím not sure. Part of me even wonders if Iím just trying to fit in again...he was merely my first ďboyfriendĒ or whatever...and Iím just saying I was molested, even though I was never touched, just so I can fit in somewhere.

Iím still pretty sure Iím gay, that Iím attracted to masculinity and just understand the appreciation for femininity, that I want to spend my life with a man Ė- if and when I can someday trust one -Ė and that sex with a woman isnít appealing in any way at all...except now, to reproduce because I think maybe I want to have a family...and maybe want to be a ďmanĒ someday, a husband and father and provider...or maybe itís just the midlife crisis creeping up on me early...or maybe somethingís been uncovered, the surface has been scratched and thereís something else under there that maybe should be excavated...or maybe not, maybe itís better left alone.

I simply donít know. I donít feel like itís right to post here...I wasnít traumatized, the experiences werenít violent, we were just kids being kids, or something...and I guess Iím still doubting my gut feelings, even though I try not to. Iíve been right about having been abused at other times in my life, but am I right about this too...and if I am, why donít I want to admit it? I donít know if I want to know the answer.

"I can't accept not trying." ~ Michael Jordan

"...even if it means trying to believe that." ~ me

#73195 - 04/25/05 02:07 AM Re: my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Drewster - Welcome to the site, glad you found us and especially glad you posted. Posting is the first step to ask questions, check out feelings and history, get out whats been "secreted" or kept down for many years. Many of us questioned "did it really happen?" and "if I enjoyed it how can it be abuse?" These are 'normal' ways our minds operate. The hardest part is not recognizing 'something happened' but accepting that it REALLY did happen and the name for it is abuse. BTW where did you get the idea for oral sex in 3rd grade? Why do you feel more fulfilled giving than receiving? These are questions I too had to face at healing points. There are so many questions as we begin to get our life together from abuse, abusive relationships!! INDEED you have come to right site and I encourage you to keep posting! Look at the resource area! Use this forum and others as you feel comfortable! Glad you're here!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#73196 - 04/25/05 07:37 AM Re: my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
drewster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/23/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Colorado, US
Thanks for the welcome. I've been learning and realizing a lot about myself recently, so I kinda think that may be where this came up for me....many other memories have begun to surface, especially as I re-examine my childhood, and even though I knew this experience was there I'd never paid much attention to it. It was just another part of my past.

I'm not sure I'm ready to explore it though, since right now my focus is mostly on getting over the last several years, and I've recently been able to get help for my depression for the first time in about twenty I think maybe this is just making itself known for now, and later I'll be more able to confront it. I guess ((shrug)) Doesn't feel like it's time yet, anyway.
These are 'normal' ways our minds operate. The hardest part is not recognizing 'something happened' but accepting that it REALLY did happen and the name for it is abuse.
I totally get that -- I've learned that my brain has basically been grinding in second gear for a long time, I've just been on alert and surviving, and don't need to be now....need to shift back into fourth, into a calmer and healthier mindset. That helped me give myself permission to heal....I've been so concerned about pushing myself harder to move forward and get on with my life that I was causing more damage, and not letting my brain physically heal. It's taking time, but I'm getting there. I also understand accepting that it happened....and that's why I don't think it's time for me yet, at least not for that. When I first started learning I'd been abused by my ex, the info was just there, but hadn't really soaked into my mind yet -- and several months later it had, and the light came on and I thought "ah-HA!" and felt good about it for a while, and now I'm not that thrilled about it, but can easily admit my psycho ex done me wrong. The other.....I'm just not there yet. Probably will be though, ay?
BTW where did you get the idea for oral sex in 3rd grade? Why do you feel more fulfilled giving than receiving?
In my case, he initiated it, and there wasn't anyone in my life but me so I accepted the attention. Don't know about giving vs. receiving yet, except that that's what those first experiences entailed.....once when I tried to leave my ex, he was suddenly interested in what I wanted to do in bed, but I had no idea because that had never been an in a way, I'm just used to it. There's a lot more in there though, I can tell....just not ready to explore it yet. I have wondered though, where he got the idea, and why else I would have let him do it. Just more questions to someday consider....

"I can't accept not trying." ~ Michael Jordan

"...even if it means trying to believe that." ~ me

#73197 - 04/25/05 03:01 PM Re: my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
LostinPA Offline

Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 120
Loc: Lancaster, PA
Welcome Drewster,
I am new too and even though it is scary sometimes to look at your life you will have to one day. Domestic Violence seems to be a theme to surviors. First, I would recommend you find a good therapist to help you sift through it with you. You take it as slow as you need to. There is also a book written by Mike Lew called "Victims No Longer" that might help. Read only as much as you can stand. That is what I am doing. I think you have found a good place to explore your SA both as a child and now as a gay man. Abuse of any kind is traumatic.
Good luck in your recovery.


#73198 - 04/25/05 06:58 PM Re: my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello Drewster,

Let me add my welcome to you. This is an excellent place to come with questions, doubts, feelings, suspicions and all other manner of relating to yourself and what has happened in your life.

Feel free to ask any questions or post as you like. Or you may feel more comfortable just reading along with others for a while. The Resources here are excellent and the professional viewpoint may serve you well.

There are men here who function as moderators for the discussion board. Look up at the top of each forum and you'll see our names. I'm one of them and we are here to keep the experience here safe and as productive as possible for all.

Please feel free to communicate with any of us with problems, concerns or comments. We are glad to help anyway we can.

From what I have read, I would say you are definitely in the right place. Though that knowledge will only take on its deeper significance when/if you realize that for yourself.

I was in a sexual relationship with an older man when I was a teenager. I wanted to be with him; I loved him and he said he loved me. There was never any overt violence or physical harm done to me by him.

It took me until I was over 45 years old to realize that a relationship like that is sexual abuse also. Even after realizing it, it took even longer to accept the facts and begin to recover from the damage done. Fortunately, that part has gotten easier.

I tell you this so that you know that you are not the only one here with questions and doubts. They are a part of healing and recovery.

Once again, welcome. Hope you will find the healing you need, if not here then somewhere.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White


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