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#73190 - 06/08/05 04:21 AM Re: Gay men and sexual abuse
aleksander Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/05
Posts: 3
Thank you for your responses, and again, an apology for anyone who read the first one and was hurt - that was not ever my intention.

ShyBear: Thanks for yanking me down off my pedestal and back to reality.

Jasper50: Thanks for the genuine welcome message and for gently reminding me to read the directions.

lostcowboy: You seem to have read me the most accurately in the middle paragraph of your reply.

It's comforting to know there's people here who will make the effort to see past my tone and attempt to see the person.

#73192 - 06/09/05 08:16 AM Re: Gay men and sexual abuse
ShyBear Offline

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South

I'm sorry I tore into you so mercilessly, I got *seriously* triggered by your post, and I figured out why in today's session with my T.

My parents were extremely intelligent yet their brilliance did not save either one of them - Dad died from alcoholism when I was 18 and Mom spent the last 20 years of her life in poverty, a marginally functional paranoid schizophrenic. Both of them were such masters at intellectualizing their problems that all they ever did was *talk* about them, instead of *doing* anything about them. And every moment I lived with one or the other of them, I was terrified : how could I tell him/her what had happened to me when they were so close to falling apart that I was *sure* the added weight of my burden (the SA) would surely get us evicted, we'd have nothing to eat, the car would be repossessed, we'd be on the street, etc, etc, etc - fear, fear, fear.

What happened when I read your post was I got triggered back to my parents & their intellectualizing, and my inner little boy had to make you see you were wrong, so he'd feel safe. What I got from the T session was your words are just text on a screen, and though we can share our recovery journies here on MS, ultimately it is MY job to make Little Bear feel safe, not yours. I also learned that logical explanations don't work for him - he has to be made to feel *safe* which for me means asking him what he's afraid of, holding him close, reassuring him I'll take care of him and then *proving* I will by taking some sort of action, even if just a symbolic one.
ShyBear, you have made a valid point that I may be confusing 12-Step recovery with other recoveries, but thatís been where I have done most of my recovery work to date.
I've been sober 19 years, and AA saved my life, but for me, this SA stuff is far beyond what the 12 Step programs can address.
I am trying to find out if this can be a safe place for me and feel that my questions deserve answers ...
It certainly can be, and questions / answers are an important part of that, but don't get so lost in your head that you cannot feel & heal the pain in your heart.

I am sorry for what happened to you, especially how it was twisted around to appear it was your fault, but I am glad you found MS - it can be a priceless resource in your healing, even as it can be challenging as hell.

Welcome, brother.

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