You are right. It is always good to have a place to put these thoughts out loud.
I think of these fears, worries and doubts, many of them related to sexual abuse, as sort of the static on a radio.
I'm really trying to hear that small, still voice from inside that I have learned to identify as my Higher Power that I call God.
Yet the tuning isn't quite right and it's hard to tell which voice is which.
Writing about it, discussing it with people who understand and clearing my mind of the background chatter--even if only for a minute or two--is how I zero the tuning in to the song I need to hear.
It's always there I think. And fortunately I have learned how to hear it.
Of course, then comes the need for the courage to do what I feel is right.
But that is there always too, and I have found enough faith to act with courage in the face of fear.
A friend of mine says that there really are no "wrong" decisions. It is what we do with the decisions after we have made them that makes the difference.
Not sure if I can go all the way with that idea, but it does inspire me to take some risks.
Once I entered into the secretive sexually abusive relationship that dominated my life as a teen, I felt that there was no way out, no second chance, no way to change my mind.
I can still fall into that fatalistic thinking as an adult. But I can be reminded, as you have today, that I get to make choices and I get to change my mind.
Life is a stream of opportunities, choices, blessings and beautiful moments.
I used to think that because I am gay I wasn't a part of that beautiful flowing source of goodness.
Thank God that I have learned that I am a part of, that I do belong.
You are doing great work wherever you are. Reading the statistics on LGBT youth is such a sad thing. I can understand your desire to go there where the need is so great.
Plus, there is just something really good about being able to talk to another gay person. I think it would be cool if you were that other gay person for some kids.
Reading your post really lifted my spirits today.
Thanks for writing,
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"
-Tony Joe White