I am 97% bottom, have only topped in the context of a relationship and then very infrequently.
It took me a very long time to get past the shame - that I'm the "woman", that bottoms are just not really worthy as human beings unless they are getting f**ked, servicing some top, you never hear the put-down "Oh, he's just a big old butch top" - no, what you hear is "Oh, she's just a big old nelly bottom", that I'm less of a man, or just plain LESS because I'm a bottom - other things like that, can't think of any more right now, other than being a bottom is something to be ashamed of.
But I like it !
When I function as a top, I feel like I'm just servicing my partner - there's no soul connection, no love, nothing but humping - and when I orgasm as a top, it's just pressure release.
But when I'm a bottom - wow! Passion, soul connection, love, that sense of sex as an act of love that can connect us to the Divine, release that floods thru me, deep fulfillment, profound relaxation - it just works.
But here, now, facing the 2nd Big Chapter of my recovery from SA, all that I thought I knew is up for question again.
I guess I just wish I wasn't a bottom because tops are just *better*, you know ? More valued, more respected, more popular, more in demand - more in control, more powerful.
Yeah - power - that's where this gets all messed up.
I have to be angry to be a top. Aggressive. I have to reach that place in my head where I don't give a shit about your pleasure, your pain, your orgasm - I'm just gonna GET OFF ! YEAH ! MAN! UGH ! I'm just gonna pound you into the bed, etc - I can't say any more, I feel that barbaric energy rising in me as I write this.
Damn, once again - it's about power, not sex.
Shit ! SHIT ! SHIT !!!!!
It's like I am not ALLOWED to be a "man" - to be a top - to be aggressive, to demand what I want / need / desire.
I thought I had all this figured out ...
Oh, and you know what's really funny / pathetic ? I get mistaken for a top ALL THE TIME. I am indeed a "bear" - 6' 210 pounds, furry, warm brown eyes - ok, sorry, I am NOT writing a personal ad here, so I'm gonna stop. My friends tell me I'm a confident take-charge guy - leadership material - and I go "Huh ? Who ? ME !?!??!"
I do plug into my confidence every now and then - I'm a computer programmer (well, was, but that's another story) databases are my specialty but mostly I'm a generalist with softwware - and there are times when I just know that I know what I know, and I just flat tell management "This is how it is ..." and I've earned real respect for being a straight ( so to speak
Gods, all this crap is all tied together, isn't it ? I'm just thinking about how this post started out and where it ended up. I mean, it's all stuff I'm trying to understand, and I just wish sometimes I could maybe get ONE piece of it down.