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#72962 - 11/30/04 03:21 AM Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
MikeInFlorida Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Titusville
My name is Mike,

I am 42 years old. I have always wondered IF my being being abused has made me gay.

I was sexually abused by my step father from the time I was 10 years old until I was 16. My mom divorced my biological dad when I was just 7 years old due to his chronic drinking problem.

To this day I wonder IF I would be gay IF I had not been abused by another male?

_________________________
Love others, as you love yourself.

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#72963 - 11/30/04 04:39 AM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hello Mike,
You would probably be gay irrespectively of abuse, but you would not feel so terrible because of it (according to my knowledge age of 5 is border when sexual orientation is defined in most of the people).
But one of the typical consequences of the abuse is disruption of identity on many fields.

Ivo


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#72964 - 11/30/04 05:49 AM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Mike,
I have to agree with Ivo. SA does cause a great deal of confusion regarding many things in one's life, but straight, bi-sexual and gay people have been abused, so I would think that logically that would mean that the SA is probably not the deciding factor. I'm sure our SA has helped to shape all of our lives in many ways, just as all of our life's experiences help to shape every facet of our lives. Personally I don't think that we have to find a "blame" for being who or what we are, we just are. JMHO.
Broken

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#72965 - 11/30/04 06:30 AM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear Mike,

These are important issues to be considered.

Not so much, I think, for coming up with a definitive answer to "Why am I gay?". But more as process of questioning what kind of ways has sexual abuse affected my life.

In a way this is a good question to start the process with because the answer to it seems to be pretty clear cut--as least according to what most authorities on the subject believe.

The answer seems to be clear, "No, being sexually abused by your step-father is not why you are gay."

Here's a citation from an article on the subject by Kali Monroe (see Professionals tab, Articles)

Quote:
The Myth that Sexual Abuse Causes You to be Gay


Even when survivors identify as straight, they are not believed because of another homophobic myth that sexual abuse "causes" homosexuality. There is no evidence that suggests abuse causes one's sexuality. Our sexuality is far too complex. If anything, we live in a society that tries to ensure that everyone is straight, and this perhaps more than anything else has a profound influence on how people identify their sexuality.

While it is true that survivors of abuse, like anyone else, can engage in sexual behaviours that they may not desire, but engage in for very a variety of reasons, this is equally true for heterosexual and homosexual sex. In other words, someone can engage in gay acts and not be gay, just as someone can engage in heterosexual acts and not be heterosexual.

It could be that a more productive avenue of work might be, "How did the sexual abuse affect my sense of sexual identity? How does it make it difficult for me to accept my sexuality?"

And then, in my opinion, the most important questions of all are not about the problems, but about possible solutions, such as:

"What can I do to overcome the negative effects of the sexual abuse on my sex life?"

I am glad you came here to post about this. It's by letting this kind of stuff out of our heads and sharing them with those who understand that we can begin to outgrow our fears and limitations.

Hope this helps you some,

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#72967 - 11/30/04 07:54 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
Hi Mike, my two pence,

I agree with the other posts, sexual abuse does not cause someone to be gay. If it did wouldn’t all survivors of male abuse be gay. Is there any kind of abuse that could turn gay children into heterosexuals?

There are groups who for religious reasons do not want to believe that some people are born gay, who have tried to do ‘research’ to prove a link between homosexuality and abuse. They also believe that there is a ‘cure’ for homosexuality.

I do understand that straight men/boys may act out their abuse with other boys/men but this does not necessarily make them gay or bi.

Abuse certainly adds to the confusion of knowing what orientation we truly have. Sexuality is not an all or nothing; we can be anything from 100% gay to 1% gay or anywhere in between. For those of us who are gay and were abused by males, associating our sexualities with abuse makes self-acceptance more difficult in an already homophobic world.

Rustam.


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#72968 - 11/30/04 08:38 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I also used to question myself very much did S. make me to be gay or not? By doing reading and researching on the matter I believe that I found the right answer.
But the remaining question is what did he make me to be?

Everything sexual for me is directly linked to him and his bad influence on me.
He initialize my sexuality intentionally and against my will and to be worst I enjoyed it really much despite I was hurt at the same time.

This is so terrible to deal with because now I know that my sexuality is badly twisted, I am afraid on permanent way.

And I feel that I would never have control or normal attitude toward it, which is really depressive idea reinforced by mine, not the most wanted, sexual orientation.

Sometimes I just wish that I am not sexual being at all.

Sorry for talking nonsense.

Ivo


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#72969 - 12/02/04 08:43 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey...I thought of these things in the past...though now have come to fully embrace my sexuality and really hate my abuse even more because of the confusion it led me to about not accepting my sexuality sooner...Anyway, here's a potentially interesting site...

http://www.kalimunro.com/article_gay_abuse.html


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#72970 - 12/05/04 08:10 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
MikeInFlorida Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Titusville
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivo:
Hello Mike,
You would probably be gay irrespectively of abuse, but you would not feel so terrible because of it (according to my knowledge age of 5 is border when sexual orientation is defined in most of the people).
But one of the typical consequences of the abuse is disruption of identity on many fields.

Ivo


_________________________
Love others, as you love yourself.

Top
#72971 - 12/05/04 08:11 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
MikeInFlorida Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Titusville


_________________________
Love others, as you love yourself.

Top
#72972 - 12/05/04 08:14 PM Re: Am I gay because I was sexually abused by my Step Father?
MikeInFlorida Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Titusville
Quote:
Originally posted by brokentoys:
Mike,
I have to agree with Ivo. SA does cause a great deal of confusion regarding many things in one's life, but straight, bi-sexual and gay people have been abused, so I would think that logically that would mean that the SA is probably not the deciding factor. I'm sure our SA has helped to shape all of our lives in many ways, just as all of our life's experiences help to shape every facet of our lives. Personally I don't think that we have to find a "blame" for being who or what we are, we just are. JMHO.
Broken
Broken,

Thank you for your insight on this, I have found it very felpful, but I find that to better understand what it is you are saying here, I must ask what is SA? Thanks again.

Mike

_________________________
Love others, as you love yourself.

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