Today on my T session we were talking about my social life (or lack of). I have never been very sociable, not that I totally isolate or alineate people, but in social situations I'm never completely relaxed. I am very strict when it comes to who is "in" and "out" of my social circle. I have very strict and high standards in this matter.
I started thinking about why is it that I feel such need to feel in control in a social situation, and why I avoid big groups instead of just relax and enjoy a social gathering.
What I realized is that I associate social situations with the cover my perps had going on. I remember as a kid, some of my perps were also some sort of authority figures in my community. Some liked being the center of attention in a group situation, to show off their "coolness".
After being abused and made feel responsible for being abused, I was also feeling forced to "see" or "hear" that person being the center of attention in a social situation. I remember I'd stare, and stare, and stare at them. Just looking at them. None would even look my way or aknowledge me.
What was going through my mind with the staring was something like: "I know who you really are. I know what you did, and no, I'm not singing along with you. And try to tell me anything in front of anyone. Just try me..." I learned that social gatherings were more a way of abusers to show their power, to cover the abuse and create their false image of "cool" or whatever is socially acceptable in the circle.
I associate socializing with hypocresy, covert behavior, abuse of power and denial. I guess if I didn't behave in that rather rebelious way, I felt I'd forget what happened, and that wasn't an option. I would be letting the perp get away with it. It actually worked, as some did stop abusing me after being "in public" with me present...
And I have carried those beliefs along with its respective behavioral patterns to this day. I don't isolate (not totally at least), but my social circle is a very small and selected group of people that have passed a rigorous screening process where i can feel safe. I would not socialize at all if it isn't under my confort zone.
Any thoughts on abuse and socializing?