Often during sex, I really struggle with staying present in what is going on and in myself. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are worse than others. And there are times when I can't even go to anything sexual with my partner or with myself. It is like I become asexual or non sexual for periods of time.
It seems like my body can perform exactly the way it is supposed to, but that it does it without me. I think you could pull me out of my body and it wouldn't notice. I'm not sure how to really explain this.
Of course I know I was made to perform all of my life from a little boy until I went to college. The abuse didn't stop until I left home and that was around 18 years old. The other thing I learned was that if I performed and got things over quickly, it meant that I could leave the situation and get away from my father/brother. Of course if I didn't perform right, my father/brother got very angry with me and found some way to take it out on me. While that worked than, I struggle sometimes with things being too quick and not really experiencing the "full range of feeling and emotions" that go along with sex.
I really struggle at times with this because I'm sure there is more to sex, but my body hasn't figured it out yet and yet it has been doing it all of its life.
So the other night, my partner and I tried something different and I think it helped. For 5 minutes we would ask the other person what they would like to have done (i.e. massaging a certain area, back rub, holding the other person, etc... all the usual stuff that one could do in a intimate moment without it being directly sexual). We had a clock and we would stop when 5 minutes were up. The person that was getting the special treatment was not allowed to do anything but to try and take it all in, to just be in the moment. Than we would switch and do this again. We kept doing this for quite some time that night. At times this was a little tough because although I requested something, I knew that when 5 minutes was up, it would end.
It was a awesome night of sex because we both had tuned into ourselves and each other and I think I was able to keep from disassociating. I was able to stay present (for the most part) with what was going on. I think the time limit helped because it was short and I knew that this gave me some control over it. And by keeping my mind focused on what the other person was doing, it helped me to really be in the moment and not some place else.
It was fun of course. I'm hoping that by doing something as simple as this, that I can begin to be more present in myself. I really hate what my father and brother did to me on a daily basis and want so badly for my body to experience things like it should be able to.
Anyway, I tried to not get to personal in this but I just wanted to share this with everyone and document for myself what I did as well. Writing about it makes it more real for me.