...back then it was still thought to be a mental illness by the Psychiatriac and Medical associations), along with some VERY condemning religous teaching, that was when I started to hate what I was. And it has haunted me ever since.
At about the same time I was put in a resident adolescent treatment 'unit' (as they put it).
I haveb written before about what a horrible place that was.
One of the first things that happened to me was that I was 'offered' behavior modification therapy to cure my 'sickness' of homosexuality.
I have often thought how fortunate I was to verbalize an emphatic "No!" without qualification in response to that question and that my parents were not asked for permission instead of myself.
I don't know why they weren't consulted as I was a minor at the time. I guess I was just lucky.
What came first for me? --The knowledge that I was gay before I was even aware of that term? --Or, the feeling of being gay, of wanting to be with other boys in that way at the time I was abused?
That began before puberty so I'm not sure about it. I know, as is often or usually the case with guys who have experienced childhood SA, I was sexualized by the experiences and so had mixed up ideas of what sexuality is (not 'advanced' ideas, understanding, acting out as they sometimes say).
I didn't have the understanding that those words I use now might seem to indicate.
I don't remember hearing the specific biblical references to homosexuality though I am sure I did and they had to have a significant negative effect within the context of the strict Christian upbringing I experienced.
I was fearful, not trusting, had been betrayed in the SA experiences, so did not end up experimenting much with other guys as is often the case.
I was on the outside all the time and was so fearful and shamed that I actually experienced physical dysfunction in the presence of other boys and, later, men.
I have consistently questioned not only my sexuality but also my masculinity and the root cause of that is the childhood SA I experienced.