I've always been curious about guys. I can remember sexual exploration with boys my own age as early as eight years old or so. That was one of the things that lead to being abused when I was eleven, that and wanting someone, anyone to pay some attention to me, no matter what kind of attention it was. Having sex with a boy that was 3-4 years older than me really confused me for a long time. Yes, I liked part of it; I was ashamed about it; I felt guilty about it; I went back for more of it. I never lost the memory of what happened, though my perspective of what happened has changed considerably. I know that I sought out similar situations in my adult life where I could re-live the abuse in ways that I thought, at the time, that I was in control of. I 'acted out' with guys, even though I was married and had children.
Fast forward to today, I've been seeing a therapist(s) for the past 6.5 years. I've come a long way in understanding what happened and why. I don't have all the answers but I've accepted that I don't need all the answers and that there will probably never be acceptable answers for some of my questions. I can live with that. I'm on my own now, my wife died a little over a year ago, my children are grown with my youngest still in college. I've met a few guys recently and one in particular that is just a wonderful person. I like him a lot, we have a lot in common, he's easy to talk with.
It just seems so foriegn to me. Am I just infatuated? Am I in love? Is this just a way for me to have no point of reference to my late wife in this blossoming relationship? These are all just rhetorical questions. I will have to find the answers myself but these are all just running through my brain right now at the speed of light. The kids don't know about this side of me, my late wife and I were dealing with this part of my psyche for a few years before she died. I really don't think that it's anyone elses business who I fall in love with anyway but it just seems a little surreal right now for me.
Thanks for letting me air out my thoughts for a bit. You guys have been here for me an awful lot in the years that I've been here at MS/NOMSV. I'll just ride this roller coaster for a bit and see how it turns out.
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)