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#72368 - 04/26/04 10:51 PM a lifetime of feeling wrong
markgreyblue Offline

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
for the first time in my life - i am not feeling so wrong - about myself about my talent - about my ability -

truly -

i know i can 'forget myself' very easily -
and think only in terms of the voices of the past -
that i do not deserve anything - just servitude
and the mental beatings for the scapegoat -

i am far away from them now -

and through an organic transition - and the help of my t(s) i am seeing that with my abilities i
CAN do - i CAN survive - and put this into

something i can be proud of - who gives a fuck
what 'they' think -

sorry for the rant - but really wanted to vent -

i don't know if you can relate - i had a violent dad and an unstable and violent mother - and
the sa of a neighbor and a frightening grandmother - they saved all their energy for their image and non for growing their son -

i was - as tallsteve put it - 'the handmaiden'

- i am glad they either dead or gone -

" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous

#72369 - 04/27/04 03:10 AM Re: a lifetime of feeling wrong
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907

You speak volumes for me. It looks like there are similarities with some of us and art or the artistic. My T talks about me developing mine...see, I almost can't say it. "When are you going to do what you want to do?", he asks. I think that he almost has me convinced that there may be a performance or two, of mine, inside, just waiting to come out.
I got some love from my family, but it seemed so conditional...I have to admit that I'm glad that I don't have to contend with all of their stuff any longer.
Thank you for putting into words what I've only be able to think about.


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#72370 - 04/27/04 08:28 PM Re: a lifetime of feeling wrong
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I think that along with the obvious discrimination we experience is also a cultural suppression of what is for many of us a creative spirituality.

This is not to say that all gay men are "creative." I rather think of creativity in this context as an ability to uncover new ways of looking at the spiritual universe, seeing "Truth" and acquire a sort of larger understanding.

That may be about being an artist in the way we usually think of it but it may also be as a sort of life-artist. Aren't we all really engaged in re-creating our lives? And isn't the number one task in the process to heal our spirits? And doesn't that require creativity?

I am sorry. That does sound a little pretentious. From my point of view it is a simple thing really. Just like opening a door unto a sunny day.

Its crazy for me to be writing this when I have just spent the last 24 hours in one of the worst emotional tailspins of my life (its still whipping me around). I think what has happened, as usually happens on the way out of these periods is experiencing a new view of my individual self.

I see myself again as a creatively spiritual person. That "me" does not exist as a response to any person, any other person's needs or desires. Rather, it is yet another opportunity to look through a new window or perhaps to finally lift the shade over a window that is always there.

For myself, I cannot separate my spirituality from my sexual orientation. For me, they together are a way of looking at the universe, of seeing "Truth," of expressing myself.

Sorry, Mark. I think this maybe taking your thread in a different direction that you intended. Its what you and David got me to thinking about.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.


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