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#72322 - 03/25/04 12:20 PM Re: Did we "ask for it"?
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Good idea, Steve.

My partner and I were out to dinner the other night before going to a show. We had plenty of time so we lingered over dinner and watched the people come and go.

There was a young family, mother, father, baby and little boy.

I asked my partner how old he thought the boy was. He said 4 or 5.

It was extraordinary to suddenly see how small and vulnerable and trusting he was.

I was actually an infant when the SA began but one of the most disturbing memories I have is about SA that occurred when I was 4 or 5.

Not surprisingly, I have felt guilt and shame about what occurred and my role in it. That was an innaccurate perception underscored by seeing that little boy.

No way could I have understood what was happening or successfully resisted. I was utterly and absolutely taken advantage of, used, and discarded.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#72323 - 03/25/04 02:49 PM Re: Did we "ask for it"?
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

It was never your fault and you never asked for it. I don't care if you're gay, straight, or neutral, you didn't ask for it.

Yes, sure, some of it may have been pleasurable, maybe on a purely physical level or an emotional level, but you didn't want the baggage that came with it.

Geordi, you can't here this enough. It's crap and you realize it, but it takes a GOOD long time to believe it.

I still struggle with this because, early on, I felt like my abuser loved me. I traded (at 11, mind you!) what was wrong for what felt good. The little boy knew there was something wrong with that. It took the man to finally forgive him.

You will be okay, brother. I know you will.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#72324 - 03/30/04 04:35 PM Re: Did we "ask for it"?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Did we "ask for it"? HELL NO ! ! !

Gay, Bi, Straight, or anything in between the answer is still - HELL NO ! ! !

You deal with one day at a time, one issue at a time, and you learn to love yourself. Learn to believe the truth, "It was not your fault", never was.

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#72325 - 04/24/04 12:59 PM Re: Did we "ask for it"?
IamGeordi Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Metro DC
Thank you for all the kind words.

What I was really hoping for was, how do we deal with the thoughts that we DID ask for it or want it. I "know" it's a crock. But how do I "FEEL" it's a crock? And what do I do about the fact that at least a part of me (especially in the beginning) DID enjoy it?

We well, blessed, and happy,

Geordi Byron

#72326 - 04/26/04 09:09 AM Re: Did we "ask for it"?
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hello Geordi,

Just a quick response as I have to run...but please do not beat yourself up over it (though I know it's hard as it is something that abused persons tend to do about ANYthing).

To get to your question though...frankly to argue that it was one's fault or that was one "asking" for it subconsciously simply because someone of the same sex abused you is to say that the child who happens to be straight being abused by someone of the opposite sex "asked" for their "heterosexual rape." Moreover, one can say that person who was date-raped was "really asking" for it--after all, why would they where those skimpy clothes? In addition if they somehow enjoyed at least a part of it (and I am sure for many rape victims, the "physiological" response of pleasure can't be helped even if only in a glimmer), does NOT in any way make the guilty. It is just faulty logic.

The bottom line here is that there is clearly not that intent, and regardless of even what one may want subconsciously, etc., one must remember that particularly as a child you are NOT in the right frame of mind yet to make these decisions (sometimes even just on a brain developmental level). Just as a child who is forced to drive and gets to in accident is not at fault even if they truly had some innate desire to drive.

Okay, I hope that makes sense. I have to run, but basically forget this issue and focus more on what you want out of life now. Work on that, and you will see eventually how these other things truly work themselves out. Later.

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