I'm sorry this happened to you. No wonder you feel so self-destructive, since it happened such a short time ago. It's not your fault, and I hope you know that.
Tim, I can kind of relate to what you're going through, even though my childhood abuse happened twenty-odd years ago, and my adult rape happened two. The thing is that I blocked it out and when the memories came back, well, it was like it happened yesterday. All of it, since the childhood stuff occurred over months.
I've thought about suicide so many damn times, Tim, you have no idea. I went so far as to attempt it pretty seriously. Now, obviously, I didn't go through it, and I have no other magic words to give you than to say that it will pass.
It's pretty easy to say, and I cussed out the counselor on the phone when he told me this, but it's become my mantra. Suicide is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Keep that in mind, my brother. That, and if you give in, the rapist wins. You have the power to take back from them. Don't give up that chance.
Peace and love,
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies