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#72265 - 02/22/04 10:07 PM Desicions
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
Wow it has been a long time since I've posted. Everythings going better and I usually don't post when things are going well. (I usually avoid the website too.) I still have nightmeres but I've been learning how to cope with them. Ok I've started to learn how to cope with them. I've made a few new frends from the Sraight/Gay Allience at school. But some of them have noteced little things in my behavoirs and started questioning me on them. Like oftain when someone tryes to hug me I pull back first and stuff like that. There is also a student panal thing coming up that I'm suppose to speek at about life as a gay college student. I've thought about possible admiting some of the struggles of gone through with my sexuality. My mom recently found out about what happened and I'm hoping she is all right. I was abused when I was 14 on a camping trip by another older kid who was like 7 years my major. She whants me to find someone my age for a monogomous relationship and I usually date men that are slightly older then me (3-12 year difference). I'm afraid she'll atribute that to the rape. I know she has a tough time with my sexuality. But also I know this is my life. I know that for whatever reson I feal safer in older arms. I want to feal safe. Maybe it is what happened. Maybe it is something more.
Anyway, moving on, I'm the only gay kid in a sexuality class that will sone talk about rape. I read the book and it only talks about women and rape. And I'm out raged. Oh ya I forgot society says men don't get raped. only when men are little boys. f____!
Well its late so I'll get to the point. I have alot of desicions to make about when to speek and when to stay silent and I would apretiate any of your thoughts and suggestions. Thanx.

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#72266 - 02/23/04 11:50 AM Re: Desicions
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
JK it has been a while.

From your post you have indeed come a long way and are recogizing that it is nicer to live life rather than just pass through it on the train.

Quote:
Well its late so I'll get to the point. I have alot of desicions to make about when to speek and when to stay silent and I would apretiate any of your thoughts and suggestions. Thanx.
JK that is a really tough question for any of us to answer. I think that it is up to you to know when. But to my mind you are an extremely strong young man and have both feel planted firmly on the ground and have a real sense of self worth.

The thing to remember Jonathon is that you are going to tell the truth because you have first hand knowledge of it. You are not a statistic in a text book. Nobody can begin to understand what it is like unless they experience it and I for one would not wish it on anyone.

Keep us informed ok. And remember JK you are not alone we will all be there with you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72267 - 02/23/04 01:48 PM Re: Desicions
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey JonathonK - When to speak up and when to be silent? Who to trust with what? Typically these issues evolve from the breech of our boundaries by the Perps when we were young guys. We learned we did not have control of our boundaries and that the perp did. Times when we should have learned that our NO meant something (Stop!) were disturbed by the perp who taught us our saying "No!" had no strength (stopped nothing). We tend therefore to say too much to the wrong people at the wrong time.

How to approach your talk?? Hmmmm! You might want to start with a fictitious person paralleling your own story. See the reaction of the class and decide if you want to disclose you were that fictitious character. Then you can field questions.

You may want to begin speaking on the book's theme of female rape victims, begin adding stats about the emerging male rape victims and, after seeing how they are received, share as much of your story as you feel comfortable. Usually the sorded details are too much for the strongest of hearts.

If you feel that your sexuality needs to be part of your discussion, bring it in as it evolved in your thinking with the rape ingredience included. I wouldn't let them point fingers that the rape "made" you gay. It may have had some affect but our sexuality is so complex, it isn't as easy as all that - pointing a finger saying "there it is!"

I hope I'm meeting you question and if not, please PM me! You are not alone in this!! You are a pioneer among all us pioneers in recovering from CSA. Good luck!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#72268 - 02/24/04 03:31 PM Re: Desicions
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
In reference to the hugging and things like it, its okay to have boundaries. Your body belongs to you. Part of what abusers do to us is take that sense away. We can begin to regain it by setting boundaries.

Our boundaries can change over time, but our boundaries are something we set ourselves and are based on our experience and feelings. We don't have to explain them.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable about being touched and will often pull away from it. I don't explain in detail. I say something like, "I don't feel comfortable with that right now."

I also don't like to sit in a public place like a restaurant without my back to the wall. I feel like someone is going to sneak up on me.

I like Howard's approach to and advice for the talk you give.

On the other hand, if you're not ready to talk you shouldn't have to.

There are books that acknowlege or are specifically about male rape and also acknowledge that it happens at all ages. You'll find them in the bookstore section on this site.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72269 - 03/05/04 07:00 PM Re: Desicions
Steve P Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Hi Jonathan. I'm new to this forum, but I've been in recovery now since October. Knowledge is power for me and I bought half a dozen books in the first few weeks after I remembered everything and started seeing a therapist. Among them was Male On Male Rape by Michael Scarce. It was a tough read for me especially this early in my recovery, but if you want some solid information on male rape, it's a good book. Be careful though. I would hate to see it trigger anything for you. I agree that you should only discuss what you are comfortable with at the moment. The pulling back and stuff, that's okay, too. My therapist also said "it's your body" though I haven't completely come to adopt that as very realistic for myself yet. I guess I learned a long time ago that nothing belongs to me, not even my body and I have a way to go yet to really own my body again.

_________________________
Steve
Salt Lake City

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