Thanks, guys for all your good comments and support. I am only feeling comfortable posting these days on this forum so I'm glad this thread is active. I feel less invisible, more affirmed, a little more part of something.
Some weeks ago I was in the waiting room at the clinic where I see my therapist.
They treat perps there too, often in group therapy. One such group was about to take place at the same time as my appointment though I did not know that beforehand.
I sat where I usually do, a position that provides a broad view of the whole room.
The perps started coming in and I sensed something awry, a change in energy or something. Before I realized why I found it irksome that they were so chummy and joking and stuff.
Before that, however, just as they started to arrive one by one, one of them took a seat kitty corner from me. As the minutes passed I felt him staring at me. I didn't believe it at first but I checked around me and there was nothing else. It was me and I realize now that a large part of my growing discomfort originated in the feeling that I was attracting his attention.
I felt vulnerable and unsafe but the worst of that was feeling that I was attracting that attention. I got up and moved as far away as I thought I could and still be found by my therapist when she was ready. I spent most of the 50 minutes venting my anger and fear.
Its like I turned into a little kid again, certainly that's where my feelings were at.
I write this here because it is all wound up in the ways I do/don't express my gayness. I hate being seen sexually. I loathe that in myself, that I attract attention from guys and feel guilty about feeling physically attractive particularly to guys older than me and I loathe feeling attracted to other guys.
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.