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#72118 - 12/04/03 04:36 AM so close yet so far (reflections)
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey guys,

If anyone cares to listen, I'm gonna vent here for a bit. I am a bit rambly here, but if you care to listen, hey more power to you (and really thanks).

Well...As I sit here, I find myself increasingly frustrated with my life.

Only a couple years or so ago, I never did anything sexual with a man (outside of the abuse of about 10 or so years ago which was not sexual, but rather perverse). I only had experience with women--and only a few years before that had been in a very serious heterosexual relationship. Now, I have a homosexual relationship--and am even living with a man (one whom I do love dearly and one who loves me dearly). While pleased with the love, I still am very uncomfortable with how this affects what people think of me. I hide his existence from non-gay friends for the most part (though fortunately found a welcoming church which is helping me in my healing).

Speaking of friends...Only a couple years or so ago, I had tons of heterosexual friends with whom I hung out freely. Now I barely come out of my shell with my hetero friends, as I finally "came out." This is not to say that people have been mean to me ('cuz for the most part, they have actually been accepting), but I have not come out comfortable with my skin (not fully comfortable certainly).

Only a couple years or so ago, my family did not know anything about me in terms of my abuse or my sexuality. At the time, I was helping my family and was a shining example for my family. Now at times, I feel like a wounded deer limping along. It's getting better, but the expectations of me in my career, for instance, have only increased...almost as though I have even more to prove now.

Speaking of careers, only a couple of years or so ago, I was doing some volunteer work--one which I loved and truly excelled. My academic record then was stellar and I was in anticipation of entry into medical school. Now, I am in medical school, still excelling in other aspects of volunteerism and other things which I find interesting, but now am seriously struggling with academics (perhaps for the first time in my life) as I figure out how to balance everything. At times, I wonder if I am in the right field, or if perhaps other options as law school, etc., would be more appropriate for me. Still, I am trying to persevere--barely.

Only a couple years or so ago, I had a few college loans and even some limited income, but now, I am deep in debt ala medical school, and am in a committed relationship with someone who had previously seen poverty when he was young. There are still some jolts and shocks with the money issue, but more problematic, I have this pressure for the first time to produce money for us to live. Do not misunderstand, my partner is a hard-working man who has worked hard to get where he is. It amazes me how he and his brother and sister ever reached where they have considering all their issues in the past with abuse, poverty, etc.,. Nevertheless, I am dealing with issues that I never had to tackle directly (at least with someone I truly love--rather than just some people I helped say through volunteer work where I could then go back to my "financially-stable" [not rich] life). My monetary worries before (outside of say the customary student loans) had to do with what my previously close friends worried about--cars, money, clothes, image. Now, it is tempered with making sure my partner and I have enough money to pay the basic bills. Again, do not misunderstand, we live in a nice apartment with a beautiful view if I say so myself. My family also continues to help me financially, and if anything, part of our problem is in spending money we do not really have to additionally help say members of his family who are struggling. Still, the idea is that financial pressures abound now.

In the end, where does all this leave me? Overwhelmed in many ways I guess. It's been such a severe change for me. I had structure just a few years ago. I had my own demons and struggles, yes, but I had tons of friends from whom I could get help, with whom I could work and hang out, etc.,. Now, I am constantly rethinking what others think of me and normally only bounce my ideas off of my partner. Academically, I am seriously struggling as I juggle what is arguably an immense schedule--more problematically, I am scared to admit it and post a tough exterior.

Well, I guess those are some of my probs, but if I stop and think a sec. I have had many blessings as well.

Only a few years ago, I was trying to figure out my identity--partying and living it up with heterosexual friends, but unhappy as I finally accepted that I was mostly looking at my male friends rather than the girls who may have been dancing with me. I had tried to spend some time experimenting in cheap, closeted "relationships" if you can even call them that a few months after I decided to experiment. Now, I am truly with someone who is loving, beautiful (a model actually), a good Christian (truly caring and sympathetic--having done some serious charity work even more than me), talented, educated, man who loves and values family dearly. Yeah, he's still trying to figure out how to be fully financially stable after embarking on a career in a highly competitive industry, but if worse comes to worse, he certainly has the skill set and experience to help support us.

Only a few years or so ago, yeah I had my heterosexual friends, but had no homosexual friends. I am also now making progress with heterosexual friends, bridging the "gap" just a few weeks or so ago, by hanging out with some old friends and my boyfriend. They were extremely open, and am now starting to feel a little bit more encouraged about coming out of my shell. Indeed, I am realizing that my friends are truer than I thought. Even my conservative friends have told me they do not want it to interfere with our friendship. I guess it's about time I stop worry about image and just live my life--if people do not accept me, so be it. Welcome to life I suppose.

Only a couple years or so ago, yeah I had this perfect picture from my family of me, but I was also fake in many levels. They never really knew this side of myself nor my struggles. I never even really talked to my brothers about any serious issues about life--outside of finances where they readily helped me since they have succeeded with their careers and have always helped my family. I guess it's time I started living my life honestly to people who deserve to know who I am.

In terms of careers, only a couple years ago, yeah I had this bright and rosey picture of what lay ahead. Now, I am struggling, but I guess this could have been bound to happen anyway. Moreover, I have always learned that what doesn't kill me, helps me in the end. I guess it's high time I struggle with the rest of the masses on my career. There is such promise still and everyone is rooting for me. I just have to discipline myself once again (easier said than done), but hey, such is life. I said before on this post that success isn't about never falling--indeed, I KNOW it is about getting up everytime I fall.

Financially, only a couple years or so ago, yeah I had been at the house of friends whose parents were millionaires or at least relatively well off. My worries were about how I could get there myself. However, such worries were never consistent with my life's philosophy of helping others anyway. So, I don't get to go to Europe right now like my brother did, but hey, who cares? Who says I have to follow my brothers' paths to be cultured? Also...Yes, I've wanted to help the poor before, but now I truly have an understanding of the people whom I seek to serve. Moreover, there is still such promise financially with careers. Most important, I guess I'm starting to really learn and value the most important things in life--as trite as it sounds, to appreciate the blessings I have.

Hmmm...Well, I guess that was cathartic. Yeah, I guess it's time I live my life, huh? Hmmm...interesting, my computer is playing "I get knocked down, but I get up again" in the background (its that music by Chumbawumba)--a song I remember singing with friends at frat parties just a few years ago. Yeah...I guess it's time to get up again. It's been a long time a Madonna song--"Little Star". Indeed, I can't forget who I am. We are all little stars (wow this is a bit cheesy). Still, I have to remember my dreams and live on my life.

Thank you to whoever is reading this, and I guess if it helps you--I'd vent on here too. Think of all your problems, write them down, but then afterwards, also think of your many blessings (as I know they're there). God Bless All of Us. Happy Holidays!


#72119 - 12/04/03 01:34 PM Re: so close yet so far (reflections)
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
To be honest, it sounds like you've had a fair amount of pleasure in your life despite all the stressors. That's a good thing. But it sounds to me like the root of your problems stems from your indecision- you don't know sometimes if you want to do this or that. It's difficult to decide.

The big thing I've noticed about Male survivors as a group is that we are way too self-conscious and hyper-sensitive to our surroundings. I've been trying to desensitize myself somewhat, so that every stimulus isn't an avalanche of burning shit.

As far as money goes, a payroll will not equate happiness. Happiness is something that comes to us when we decide we want it above all else.

My decision has been made already. I hope I know yours after it comes to you.


#72120 - 12/04/03 05:06 PM Re: so close yet so far (reflections)
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Originally posted by Justin113:
Happiness is something that comes to us when we decide we want it above all else. -Justin
I agree with this but might just add that it may be helpful to keep in mind that what we want most may shift and change, will probably change, as we grow older. (Age and experience really do lead to helpful insight.)

Flexibility and resiliency are valuable traits to cultivate and preserve.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#72121 - 12/06/03 03:44 PM Re: so close yet so far (reflections)
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Thanks for the comment Justin (and Brayton--yours in the other forum). You're definitely right on there Justin with the hypersensitivity. I guess I was not 100% sure if that was a pattern of abuse or my personality. I think you're right though--a while ago, I noticed we also tend to be "stay in ruts" for a while, and now I guess we also tend to be "hypersensitive". Anyway, thanks for the observation--it helps in tackling this whole thing. Later.


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