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#71976 - 10/01/03 01:13 PM Cheap sex
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I really don't know how to confront the idea of sexuality. Long before I started recovering the memories of my abuse, I found myself sexually attracted to men as well as women. Since that time, I've allowed myself to be picked up by two men and engaged in sexual activity. To say they were cheap, tawdry, and now I realize reflect the abuse I had at 11 is an understatement.

Both men met me on the internet. I met one in a partking lot and had nothing more than handjobs and oral in his car while he was driving. There was some force involved at the end of the encounter, but I don't think it counts as rape. Needless to say, he never called back.

The second guy took me to a cheap hotel and we had sex for a long time there. Then came the actual sex that people think about in gay relationships and he hurt me. I allowed it, but still, he didn't take one step to insure my comfort. He only did what he wanted and once again, he never called. I felt so dirty, cheap, and used (familiar territory these days!).

Even now, I guess you could say I'm "dating" an older guy, but he seems to have issues of his own, since we've never engaged in sexual activity outside of making out and kissing.

I guess I'm wondering if it's normal to set yourself up with these encounters when you know they'll hurt and they'll be empty. What does it mean when you allow yourself to be hurt by older men?

I wish I could have a relationship that was loving and respectful.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#71977 - 10/01/03 05:13 PM Re: Cheap sex
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

I too have done what you have done. For me it was the physical re-enactment of my abuse. I needed to feel wanted again like I had been and to revel in the pain of the encounter( violent) and to feel again the deep self loathing afterwards.

Yes we do set ourselves up because we are doing what our perps told us was the only thing we were good for. And we keep quiet about it because of the shame. This too they want because we protect them.

It is a vicious wheel they put us on and it is so hard to get off.



#71978 - 10/01/03 05:50 PM Re: Cheap sex
zadok1 Offline

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
you know at one point i thought i might be bi, but the bottom line is i needed the abuse in some sad way. i too have met men on the net, had sex a few times, and moved on. the worst part is, i hated myself for it, and was repulsed by being with men. it took time, but i finally realized that part of me was the abuse, not an actual atraction. i am definately straight, but i understand where you are. i have been there, and i dont want to go back. i hope you find peace and a good relationship for you, male or female. be happy, that is what is most important.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

#71979 - 10/02/03 12:07 AM Re: Cheap sex
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
I would think that most people, SA survivors or not, having casual sex in a parking lot or cheap hotel,whether with a man or woman, can't help but have feelings of debasement, degradation, lack of fulfillment etc. etc. This kind of sex might be described as self abuse. Masturbation is a better alternative. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#71980 - 10/02/03 03:51 AM Re: Cheap sex
bisulatino Offline

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
I've done that too, meeting guys on the internet and then doing stuff with them. One guy I remember I wasn't even interested in, but for some reason I went along with it anyways. I kept my eyes closed a lot, but I hated to touch him. In the end I felt totally victimized, like he had raped me, even though things didn't go much beyond kissing and masturbation. It was like what had happened to me all over again, but this time I was an adult and so can't blame anyone.

It's not "normal" in the sense of what is good for us, but I would think it is common for SA survivors. Just try to make the right decisions for yourself, do what makes you feel best. If I had done what was right for me I would have said "No" and walked out on that guy, no matter what point we were up to.

I hope you find that loving and respectful relationship that you're looking for, maybe this guy you're "dating" will be the one. Just remember, you gotta be loving and respectful of yourself if you want others to treat you that way; I find that to be the hardest part.

#71981 - 10/02/03 01:34 PM Re: Cheap sex
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks for the responses. I guess how I felt (and occasionally still feel sometimes) can be summed up by a quote which I read in "The Silence of the Lambs." I wish I could remember how it really goes, but it can be summed up as, "how many times has she (a victim of Buffalo Bill) rolled over willingly so she could feel another person's heartbeat against her back?"

This is the lonliness I struggle with, in addition to my sexuality issues. Sometimes its better to lert someone hurt you than be alone.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#71982 - 10/02/03 01:48 PM Re: Cheap sex
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear Scot,

As you can tell from the responses you've gotten so far, the type of behavior you describe in your life is far from uncommon. That it seems to more prevalent among survivors of sexual abuse is easy to extrapolate, but I'm not sure if it is really true.

Let's face it. Our culture is fucked up about sex and sexuality. Most people if not all people have sex problems. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have some way of identifying examples from my past that give me clues about how and where to go to recover from the contributing factors that lead to many of my sex problems.

I think that lots of people have no where to turn to find real help with problems of sexual behavior/orientation. I know that as a gay male, such places have been very hard to come by in my life.

It is finally here at MaleSurvivor that I have found a place where I feel that I am among men who understand and who empathize with my dilemna without trying to take advantage of it.

All this to say, that you are in the right place buddy. This is where you can find some real healing and reconciliation with that loving side of yourself that seeks closeness and intimacy with others.

Our problems, as survivors, seem to be a lot more about the dynamics of "power" in relationships than with actual sexual activity. Sure it hurts to get fucked when the person who's doing the fucking doesn't give a damn about what the other person feels.

You're right to ask what there is that leads some of us to seemingly seek out and repeat such behaviors. I know that I have done it for years and years. That definition of insanity that says it's repeating the same behavior over and over and always expecting different results truly applied to me.

I was 'insane' in my sex life partly or greatly due to the sexual abuse I suffered as an adolescent. So instead of trying to fix my sexual orientation or activities, what I really needed to do was to begin to heal the wounds left by the sexual abuse.

Once I started the healing process, much of what was so upsetting if not dangerous in my behavior slowly began to change. Sure, it is a one day at a time thing, but the good news for me is that it is possible to heal. And with healing comes relief from all the guilt and shame that ineveitably came from my tawdry, cheap, ignoble sexual affairs.

The first big step for me was coming here and talking about it with men who could identify with exactly what I was talking about. That broke the isolation that I was living in and made me realize that I was no longer alone.

That realization by itself was a big help, and many more steps and much more help has come from that.

You can probably tell, I have a lot of feeling about this subject. It has saved my life in more ways than I can say.

The main thing I would like to share with you is that this desire to be close to others, to be intimate, to be sexual is a very wonderful part of your make-up as a human being. Though the expression of this marvelous gift may be twisted or sullied by past experiences of abuse and other trauma, it does not mean that fundamentally our sexual desires are cheap, trashy or tawdry.

It is our ability to love and to be loved. Our desire to become intimate and sexual that is the basis for all human society. So please as much as possible try to hang on to the idea that you and your sex are a wonderful gift and that someday you will be able to recover the joy of loving another that was robbed from you by the abuser.

I'm glad that you're here. This is the right place to be and you're asking the right questions.

Keep coming back and posting. you not only help yourself but me and others too.

Thanks for the honesty.

Your brother,

"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#71983 - 10/02/03 08:07 PM Re: Cheap sex
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
I can relate to so much of this. It seems sometimes that I'm stuck in a self-destructive downward spiral that I can't get out of 'til I've had some anonymous sex that leaves me feeling guilty, used and useless. I get so disgusted with myself afterwards. I know that in a large part it is re-living part of the abuse, trying to get some control over it. But just the human contact, being that intimate with another being is something that feels so good if only momentarily.

Take good care of yourselves my brothers,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#71984 - 10/03/03 03:29 AM Re: Cheap sex
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA

I just read your message. I can sympathize. I think for whatever reason, we can be so subject to repetitive, anti-social, hurtful this point, I can not quite fit it in--whether it is the abuse, or our acting out in the face of such a hostile environment. For me, it is the latter I think.

That is, for me, when I first when through the coming out period, I boiled all my issues into one, and could not separate them. As such, I was increasingly stressed--I did not know how to deal with it, but what I did know was that I did like to be with guys. I guess I always knew that since I was little, perhaps even before the abuse. That's me, of course, and not you. Yours may be linked to the abuse.

I am not sure of your exact situation, aside from what you relayed here, but what I want to tell you, is that you are not alone...many straight and gay guys have been through abuse, but we all get through it. What is important here to remember is that you ARE in control.

I can not sit here and judge you and the like (as I know how it feels when we fall, and certainly, I have my own pitfalls), but what I can tell you is that sex without genuine love can be self-destructive. What is important is to think of your future and think of what it is that you want...then go for it. The reason I say that is that sometimes, we need to be focused on some goal--so that we may fulfill our dreams : )

#71985 - 10/04/03 06:49 AM Re: Cheap sex
Don-NY Offline

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY

You wrote this above.
Sometimes its better to let someone hurt you than be alone.
I won't waste words to tell you I understand how you could say that. And I won't lecture or argue the point either.

I mean this kindly and for your benefit.

It is NEVER better to let someone hurt you in order to fulfill an emotional or sexual need.

You are far too important and valuable to make a trade off like that. ALL OF US ARE.

I truly hope that you will accept this, and believe it, as soon as possible.

When you do, there is a topic on the forum where that statement belongs. It is called "All Lies".

Please click -> here<- for an article which may help.


If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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