Firstly, I am a gay survivor of childhood sexual abuse (I often say rape, does anyone else prefer this term?).
Secondly I am very lucky on that I have a long term and understanding partner
I seem to live a lot of my life in a fantasy world. Key fantasies are me being a (non-abusive, loving) father or a son to such a father. I also have lots of ad hoc fantasies where I become someone important.
In addition I have lots of sexual fantasies. These have traditionally been abusive (with me as victim) based around spanking and forced anal sex. In more recent years they have been a bit more balanced, with more fantasies based around consensual sex. I guess that is progress of sorts.
I am worried that I spend so much time in a fantasy world and that I need this comfort somuch. My partner notices sometimes and I am sure it contributes to my sex and intimacy problems (see next post). The sexual fantasies mean I masturbate a lot. I have a partner and a good career, but I do wonder what I could have achieved if I didn't spend somuch time in fairy land.
Am I alone in this? How do I reduce my dependancy on fantasy. In particular how do I stop the abusive fantasies?