Thank you for your open and honest sharing here. I know how hard this must have been for you to share this. I also believe that you did so because you trusted that we would understand and in some way, perhaps we could help you with your thoughts and feelings of shame and guilt.
... I admit I clicked on it. I only saw the splash page and there was nothing explicit there but I felt so dirty that I closed out of it right away. I can't help my curiosity. I am scared.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am a pedophile or not. I would never hurt a child but if the attraction is there then that is too much for me to deal with. I told this to one friend once, who is now angry at me, and I am afraid he is going to tell everyone about it. I will be ruined. I am so scared and I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I a pedophile? ...
I can't tell you what to do, but I can share what I would, if you want me to. The first thing I would do is go back to my favorites menu and delete that link for the kiddie porn site, right now.
Hopefully, you've done this. Good man! So that should take care of some of the guilt, right?
Next, let me ask you, are you seeing a therapist? If not let me encourage you to do so. If you have read the personal message I sent to you, then you will understand how important I think this step is for a male survivor.
You are a very young man. You have already started to deal with your sexual abuse and resulting trauma and the damage it causes. Good for you, Josh! I am 51 and I didn't start to deal with this in January 2003. I was sexually abused when I was 5. You can imagine the shame and guilt I carried throughout the years for the crazy and sometimes horrible things I did as a result of having been abused. I am glad that like you I have never been a pedophile. But I found so much liberation from the prison that child sexual abuse tends to put survivors in when I shared my "secrets" of having been abused by others to the brothers and sisters here.
First, Josh, know that you were abused. You did not asked to be abused, and you had no control over the situation surrounding your sexual abuse. That is what abusers/ perpetrators/ predators do to us. They try to make us feel guilty for their horrendous acts upon us. It was NOT YOUR FAULT, Josh!
Sometimes, I think, we continue to act out roles that were not ever ours in the first place. These acts are actions of your original abusers. These are their scenarios that we sometimes pick up and carry with us as if they were our own, because that is what they taught us. You can, drop this act. It is not you. You were abused, you were traumatized, and you were harmed, but you survived, and you can overcome this evil that was perpetrated on you by someone who did not care for you or love you [regardless of his or her words to you while they were abusing you] Love for a child does not manifest itself in child sexual abuse. This is a lie that a perpetrator tells him or herself in order to not feel shame or guilt for their guilty acts. Thank God, that you felt shame for opening the kiddie porn site. You are not a pedophile, or a sexual abuser of children.
Please read the articles that are posted here. You will be comforted, and supported, thereby.
We are here for you, Josh. If you want to you can send me a PM if that is easier for you. I will do my best to help you in any way I can.
Your brother male survivors are here for you, Josh.