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#71603 - 02/06/03 03:33 AM Step Two - Going It Alone
hanginon Offline

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Dear readers,
My story continues. I have hit bottom. My partner, Mark, broke up with me two weeks ago because he couldn't stand the anger and pain, along with my sexual acting out and emotional distance, any longer. It's been one week since we said "goodbye" officially, but my heart still aches for his friendship and love.

Here's my problem today: I took the bull by the horns last week, found a therapist specialized in sexual issues and incest survivors. We met and I feel very positive about our work - although it was not an easy session to get through.

Then, I said goodbye to my old group therapy this week, letting them know gently that I need more attention than what they, and the two therapists in that group, are able to give me now. I am in the midst of a crisis and need real, focused attention on my issues. This is all good.

However, I have begun to seek sexual stimulation again via the internet and I don't want to continue down this pathway. I want to change and be whole as soon as possible. How can I get control of the demons that take over and how can I find new ways to deal and cope with the loneliness and isolation I feel now that my Codependent partner has thrown in the towel? What resources will help me give up my addiction to sex and how can I change?

Another dilemma is how should I approach my sex life NOW? I had/have intimacy issues with my partner but now it seems they will be exacerbated even worse, since the one person who has fully understood my problems has "abandoned" me? I still feel like damaged goods, now more than ever. I know, I know, I am a good person and didn't do anything "wrong" per se, but why then, after four years of investing in a relationship that meant more to me than any other relationship, do I feel so "wrong."

Tonight, my entire family is at a large museum in New York celebrating the opening of an exhibit of my brother's work - I did not go because he is my perpetrator. I feel so aweful inside and don't know where to turn or how to get in touch with how this makes me feel. My parents know why I didn't go - but my brother will not know why and probably won't even ask. He is a selfish egotistical bastard who has never looked back and seen the people he has hurt to get where he is today.

I want to find a Sex Addicts support group here in Baltimore so that I have a system to lean on during this impossibly confusing time. Where do I look for that resource? I act out less than usual but I still feel badly about it, and well, you know the drill.

Please, guide me through this work. I read articles on the Internet, read books on the subject, but I need to be able to talk to someone about acting out.

My partner is gone and I don't have any real friends in the city since I moved here only 9 months ago and neglected to "integrate" because all of my attention was focused on Mark. I want to heal.

Help me get back the control in my life.


walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

#71604 - 02/06/03 03:15 PM Re: Step Two - Going It Alone
al Offline

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
I don't know what to say other than I understand and sympathize. I also have a Marc, the same issues, and my own breakup to contend with but for days I have been doing anything I can to distract myself from the pain. Maybe we can just talk it out here until the worst passes. I just don't know what to suggest cuz I don't know how to get past it all myself.

Take care of yourself and keep talking.

Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

#71605 - 02/06/03 07:27 PM Re: Step Two - Going It Alone
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
John & Al. Dont know what happened I wrote a big reply and something went ding besides my brain.
My problems are not unlike yours. I am addicted to violence because my abuse during childhood and as a teenager included extreme violence as well as sex. This forced me on to the street as a hustler who serviced that type of so called straight male society. I did thi sin Ottawa our nations capital. It was well known by that element that if they wanted the kind of action that I provided I could be found in Major Hill Park on any evening after 8PM. I was also a heroin addict. I manipulated those johns to my own purpose. They thought they were in control , when in fact, It was me all the time. That has made me feel like a perp all my life. I know that is bullshit but I cannot convince the other "I" that it is. I have huge guilt around this. I also feel that, even while in control, I was meeting their needs as well as mine. All my life I have felt this way about every relationship I have had including my 36 year marriage to my wife. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am always trying to please but underneath I still feel like a hustler. This makes me so angry that I lash out at those I hold dear, including my wife and daughter. Is this the same for you guys.
When I think bac those three assholes that used my for themeselves were pretty selfish. They were consumed with their own gratification and fulfilling their own needs. Now I really hate them. It pisses me off to think that they may have gone on to have great lives. Shit I dont even know if they are still alive. Now that I am trying to recover I know what I would do. I would send each of them a registered letter telling them I know where they live and what they have done and cannot make up my mind whether to tell their friends and loved ones what sort of perverts they really are or on the other hand get all my memories together and go to the police. I gotta believ that that would make them squirm. Kind of like now its your turn to fear and have anxiety attacks. I cannot begin to understand John how you must feel knowing it was your brother but if I were in your shoes I probably would do the same thing. I am 62 now and I dont think that I would give two shits where it all panned out. I mean what can he do to me NOW!!!!!. God what a feeling that would be.
We feel the shame a horror for what happened to us and we have aided them by keeping our mouth shut. I dont know why we do it. But it all has to do with our body probably betraying us .Hard to fathom isnt it.
Because of my continued addition to vioence (see my post on Handling dreams) I need something to replace the behavior and I have found it. It is purely selfish but I have joined a health club. I can tear my body apart and relish the pain safely and at the same time get into top shape again. I have never really been out of shape cause of the action sports I take part in. My T and I discovered why I was either too heavy or too skinny for most of my life. When I was in shape I was a hot commodity on the street. Well I have decided screwthatnotion. Ime gonna do it cause it feels good. The reason may be weird but it does help. Maybe you guys should be a bit selfish about your own self and get into something that will take your mind off all the shit. John maybe srew the computer. Go for a walk, bike, join a church group or a gay organization for your own sense of self worth. But remember to do it for yourself and no one else. You too Al. Find an alternative to being alone and wallowing in what ifs. I know that is the only way I can keep my sanity, whatever is left of it. I am a lot better than I used to be and my wife now tells me how happy it makes here feel to see me actually enjoying myself once in a while. She always thought it was her fault and that I did not over her. That is the way my 22 year old daughter felt too. They know the whole sordid mess and what made them furious was that I kept it from them and dit not try to let them help by being there for me. I truly believed and still do to a certain extent that if people knew my past they would consider me to be lower than snake shit in a wagon rut ( cant get lower than that). I am sorry if this rambles a bit but I want you to know that all of us, regardless of what we are are all in it together. I do not know how I would be able to function if my preference was men and it was men who had raped me. I have found it hard enough to make friends with men over the years becuase of it.



#71606 - 02/07/03 02:53 AM Re: Step Two - Going It Alone
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi fellows,

Peace to you brothers.

I think that you can get to Sex Addicts Anonymous by just typing http://www.saa,org or http://www.sexaddicts or .com

I will put it on Google and get the correct link. They have a link on their page to where meetings are help. They also have a packet you can purchase from them to start your own group. I think there is a Sex and Lovers Anon too.

I'll be back later.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#71607 - 02/07/03 02:58 AM Re: Step Two - Going It Alone
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Here are the ocrrect url's

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sex and Lovers Anon

Cyber Sex Chat Addiction Anon

Hopes these help some.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#71608 - 02/08/03 06:26 PM Re: Step Two - Going It Alone
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I'm sorry to hear of your recent separation with your partner. That's got to be tough. Jeff and I shortly after we were together almost split up. It tore each of our hearts so bad that we did somehow manage to work through things. I would have hated to let him go... we've now been together almost three years and still continue on...

As hard as it is,,, as hard as it is... and believe me I know what I am saying here because I struggled with the porn controlling my life for many years. I didn't think I would ever break the chains that it held on my life nor did I ever think I would experience sex or a relationship like I have with Jeff. But it did happen. It took a lot of struggle to get through to this point.

My therapist at the time would not allow me to label myself as a "sex addict" even though I thought I was and wanted to put the label on. She told me that if I label myself, than I personally would more than try to live up to that label. She had a point (at least with me that is).

For me the way I got through the porn (in very simplistic terms) was I had to learn to accept myself and love myself no matter what I did without judgement, condemnation on myself. That's a lot easier to write than it was to do this and it took time.

There is a way through all of this and although it is not an easy journey, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.... keep putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter if you feel unstable,,, just keep lifting the foot up and putting it in front of the other one..

Healing from this is possible... Finding a meaningful relationship is possible as well...

My thoughts do go out to you and if you feel someone giving you a hug right now, please know that is from me.


In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog

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