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#71593 - 01/08/03 08:52 PM Porn and Frustration
Kelly4023 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/02
Posts: 1
I'm new here. I'll get to the point. I'm in a relationship with a man I care for and love very much; to the best of my knowledge the feelings are mutual. The beginning of the relationship was foul in that he was my counselor, and made a pass at me while still seeing me. He "kept" me for a while, until I earnestly entered recovery from drug addiction.Ten years later, I am self supporting with a great job and middle class acutrements.
I look at pornography. I spend less time lately than in the past, but have spent hours on end looking at and downloading pictures of gay, straight, bi, lesbian, bdsm, ect porno. I don't IM anyone anymore. NONE of it is of children. My partner constantly complains about my viewing of this material. He says he feels uncomfortable,disrespected, abandoned, dehumanized and humiliated. Believe it or not, I understand just how he feels, but can't stop looking at the stuff.
I want to blame our sexual life on my use of this "stimulating" material. In the past year, we had sex FIVE times. the five years before that were similar. Before the computer, (1998) I looked at vhs tapes. I always view this stuff in private, but sometimes he'll come into the room and see an image on the computer screen. I masturbate at least once a day, just about everyday. I have become comfortable with blaming him secretly for my behavior. As a rule I don't feel badly about my behavior, but I know it hurts him.
I feel I need my stimulation, and unfortunately must rely on myself, as I will not see anyone outside of my relationship, and I guess I'm not ready to end it, even though I have seen it for what it is, beginning to present. He is somewhat unaffectionate, while I am very affectionate. I usually initiate ANY sort of intimate interlude, and don't allow myself to really fell all of the hurt when I am (frequently) rebuffed. Writing abuot it now makes me sad. And angry. I'm reminded about how unworthy or worthless I have felt, when I would allow myself to be had for just a little "attention", like when I was younger.
Any identification with my plight, any suggestions you have are welcomed. Should I move on? Does anyone think couples therapy would be helpful? Should I just tell him (again) how I feel about the way things are going (and just deal with the guilt I have for speaking up)? How do I avoid feeling like I'm begging him to "treat me right"? \:\(

#71594 - 01/10/03 05:24 AM Re: Porn and Frustration
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Alot in this post and I'm glad for what has been shared.

Couples therapy may help you or if you can, spend a special day of being together and just talk to him about all of this. Maybe he has fears that you're not aware of. One thing I was thinking of as I was reading what you wrote was invite him to view the porn together if he will.

There are times when my sex drive is not as good as jeffs. Especially when I am running these long days between work and school. When I get so tired, the last thing my body wants to do is to be sexual. Sometimes with all the massage stuff, I experience times when my body doesn't want to be touched. I think it is the transformation process that is taking place with me and getting in touch with my body.

For a long time, if I wasn't too sexual or affectionate, I know he would masterbate which would make me feel rejected. And yet I read the other day somewhere that masturbation one does even in a relationship can be very healthy. Wish I could remember where that was. I'm learning to accept all of it and try to be more attentive to his needs as well. Sometimes I can get so focused on myself and forget that he needs attention to.

After reading what you wrote, I could identify in some ways. You know sometimes our sex life is just great and then other times, I don't know where it runs off too... But I've been with him for 3 years now and well, I won't trade him... no way!


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