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#71477 - 06/18/02 02:04 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Lloydy, Cement and all,

God, the similarities just amaze me.

The shock of my wife finding out about my acting out (with men) was the catylst for us to do something. She found out because we got into an argument. I was depressed, stayed home from work, was withdrawn and she insisted that I tell her, right now, what was wrong with me, what was bothering me. So I did. In graphic detail. It just about did it in for our 30-some years of marriage but we made it through it and things are getting better day by day. We both felt it was worthwhile to continue our married life together although I am still struggling with my personal demons. My wife is seeing a therapist now and dealing with a lot of her own issues.

We're having similar problems with our sex life, it's difficult (it's just not hard). Part of our problem is health related, I'm diabetic and my wife is on dialysis. But surely there is a psychological component in there too. I'm not letting the physical aspect of sex (or lack thereof) keep me from staying close to my wife. Just the contact, hugging, holding hands, talking even, has added a lot to our lives and keeps us from drifting apart.

Take care,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#71478 - 06/19/02 12:28 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I do have the same problem...But I was wondering...Why is there a different place for the Gay Men...When no one can figger out if he is Gay or not???? You got a bunch of married guys taking about this...are they asking the Gay guys if they have this problem...or are all the Gay guys HARD and know that they are GAY????? Like what the fuck...are there any Gay guys here...with over 700 members...if there are...they sure don't talk much...I know that they must think that all the married guys...that are wondering...are NUTS!!!! WHY..split the men up into Gay and Ungay...When no one knows where he is coming from????...Civil Rights and all that good stuff????


#71479 - 06/20/02 02:55 AM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I hear you, GetEddie, especially since we all have the same issues, gay, straight, bi, whatever those terms even mean.... We are more alike than different, I think. But, there may be a purpose to giving space to the traditionally underserved gay population. Hopefully it empowers. I do find it marvelously ironic that I found real similarities to my experience on this particular thread!

These f'ing impulses...I was at a restaurant today and had my digital camera with me (please don't make me give up my camera - although it was my weapon of choice for acting out, I love to take pictures of inanimate objects, it has helped with my impulses, I swear). The clerk asked if the camera was 'one of those where you can see the picture right away.' She asked me to show her and I wanted to make a completely sexual comment and somehow, what? get her to flash me? take a picture of myself and show her? I stopped myself but I was shaken...

Thanks for listening...

And to answer the actual question originally posted, I believe that worrying about sexual identity, gay or straight or whatever, gives power to the worry. We, all of us, are a transcendant sexual type, maybe we need to give it a name of its own. I think, hmmmmm...something to do with the whole being more than just a sum of the parts, as we try to put ourselves back together. Any ideas?

And let the darkness fear our light.

#71480 - 06/20/02 02:38 PM Re: Before or After? Cause or Because?
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hmm...I think there are a bunch of good posts up top and unfortunately have no time to respond.

I will say this however...I can certainly relate. I hate labels, and don't know where to label myself. In the end, I think I have found that maybe, just maybe it doesn't matter what my sexuality is at this point and HOW it is that I have come to be "bi"--if indeed I am. At least for time being, I mean it truly does not matter...the point is, how am I going to deal with it now? How am I going to live the rest of my life?

At the age of 23, I must admit...I am more confused than ever by my sexuality. I had for the first time actually tried doing things with guys these past few months and found it to my liking as well. However, one thing I've realized is I have to be mature about this. In my hetero side, I am more of a prude--very high standards, very conservative. With guys, I still have high standards but not quite as conservative.

In the past few months, I have found myself experimenting much like a teenager would that had just found his sexual side. The key thing, however, is that I have also found myself regretting the risks I'm taking as it could potentially devastate my entire life--all the things I love and have worked hard for--from work, to family relationships, to friendships. My lust for guys lurking and waiting to express itself in cheap, one-night stands.

This I have found is due to my keeping it all in. By being in the closet with my homosexuality, I find that it is hard for me to grow in that side. I suppress it so much that when it comes out, it REALLY comes out. Does this mean that I am going to come out as "bi"? No, I don't know yet. Nevertheless, I know this...both my homosexual and heterosexual side has to be reconciled and dealt with maturely.

Okay this is getting long...the point is this (and please remember that this is just MY opinion here). I know you are confused about your sexuality--hey, who isn't? Ask yourself though if it TRULY matters whether you know how your homosexuality began? You can spend years upon years sorting this with a psychologist/psychiatrist and even they would never be 100% sure. Most scientists agree that we are 50% genetically-affected and 50% environment-affected creatures.

Do not misunderstand...if you were doing "strange" behavior like tendency for violent gay behavior, then by all means work with a psychologist and the like. Indeed, if you are used to associating homosexual behavior with the behavior that happened with your abuse, please sort that out and separate it (whether with the help of psychologists or mature, committed bisexuals/homosexuals who can help remove the misconceptions of being purely carnal beings).

However, the question of homo/bisexuality is not quite as serious (I don't think) and is something that is left for you and your conscience than anyone else. Most importantly, whatever you decide in terms of what your sexuality is and how you had "gotten it"...make sure you handle it maturely. The road will be tough for us survivors to sort through these issues. There are perhaps some questions we may never answer. Still, having been survivors, I know that we all know something about living the life we want to live. Focus on that...what you DO know to be right goals for your future. In the end, you may have found the answers to your questions simply by living the life for which you had aimed \:\)

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