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#71119 - 07/26/01 09:18 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?

DANMAN: Thanks for the clarification! I am glad that your church group has helped you. I used to attend a similar group that was 12-step based, but not church-based. It was Sex Addicts Anonymous. I also tried Sexaholics Anonymous. While I found them helpful to a point, they did not address at all the abuse side of my issues, the real crux of my problems. Instead, they were focused completely on abstinence, and while being abstinent from my sex addiction was important, the underlying issues that were leading me to act out sexually were far more important. Until I could get support around those issues, real and long-term cessation from sexual acting out behaviors was not achievable. For me, the best support is a survivors group, preferably all male.

I am certainly all for religion-based recovery groups for those for whom they are a good match and helpful in their recovery. I am also for non-religion-based groups, as well.

A critical factor for me in feeling comfortable with any group is that it not purport to be THE solution, as some groups do, whether religious or not religious. I also react negatively when people in a group start to tell me or anyone else that they know what it right for me or others. When either of things happens, I feel angry and fearful and believe that they are actually violating what is supposed to be a basic tenet of such groups: acceptance, non-judgment, and simply sharing experience, strength and hope without telling people what they SHOULD do.

It sounds like your group is doing a great job. I am glad that it is working so well for you. Keep up the good work, and thanks for sharing your experience so that others can benefit!


#71120 - 07/26/01 09:27 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?

EDDIE: How true it is that we each find our own way and follow our own path, making our own choices along the way...some that are helpful, and some that are not.

When I was married, my then wife knew of my interest in guys and was OK with the interest, as long as i did not act on it...and while I was married, I did not. For me, beiung married is a commitment and one not to be broken. I did, however, masturbate at times with gay pornography or just a gay fantasy in my mind when she was not around. That was part of my sexual acting out at the time.

In the last few weeks, I have not even felt the urge to act out sexually because I am fainlly dealing straight on with my pain and loss and confusion, etc. and allowing myself to grieve very painful losses. It is these feelings from which I have been running by turning to porn, casual one-time sex, etc.

It feels GREAT to finally be crying and journaling and reading meditations and affirmations again, etc. I feel like I have finally emerged from a long period of sitting in addiction until I was ready to finally face my pain and work through it.

And these discussion boards have been a great help to me...thank you all!!!


#71121 - 07/29/01 10:00 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?
pondboy Offline

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 59
Loc: benicia, california, usa
Lance, I'm glad you are doing better. I can tell by reading the responses to your questions that some may have misunderstood what I meant. I will try again. you need to look into your heart and listen to what will make you truly happy. not just for the moment but with yourself over time. there are no "single" solutions for any of us. but we all want to be happy. I am much happier being gay and wish I'd done it sooner.

#71122 - 07/30/01 12:13 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?

Hi, Pondboy, and thank you. I hope someday...and I believbe I will...come to a realization about who i am and what I want. I am sure that it makes a tremedous difference in one's life to finally discover...or rediscover...who one is and what one wants in life.

I look forward to that day when I finally know.

Thanks again.


#71123 - 07/30/01 12:53 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Lance, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we aren't the study you seek.

For the last three years I've been presenting myself as gay. Why? well, of the >300 people Ive been sexual with in my life (most are abusers) less than 15 are female (most are abusers). Still I insisted I wasn't gay. A therapist I no longer see asked me how I could know without ever having been in an appropriate homosexual relationship. I thought it was a good question and decided to find out first hand.

So, what have I learned form this experience? Well, I still have not been sexually intimate with anybody in 10 years, I'm just as terified of sexual intimacy with men as I am with women. I've made some wonderful friends that I'll cherish for the rest of my life (this is really a big deal for me). My thoughts and sexual fantasies are just as twisted and degrading as ever but they don't include any of these gay friends that I care deeply about.
Ah, there's the crux of the biscuit

guys, might I suggest you ask yourself this question. Are the people you care about in any of your sexual fantasies?

One other thing I learned from my gay friends is that the "healthy" gays I know fantasize about people they care about. The unhealthy gays I'm acquainted with talk insesantly about anonymous, degading, and selfish sexual behaviors acted out with people they don't know or don't care about. The more they rant, the more it's aparent to me they feel lonely, unloved, unlovable, and hopeless. This is particularly disturbing to me because it's now I feel most of the time. Maybe I'm just projecting here!

Damn this is hard to say... my most erotic sexual fantasies are of being used callously by men I despise or don't know. Sometimes, in the heat of passion, I'll see myself as a child. When I'm depressed or stressed out I find the idea of masturbating to memories of my abuse iresistable. At these times it takes all my energy and new coping skills to intervene. is it any wonder that I loath myself at these times, struggle with self esteme,... guess I'd better copy this one to my journal!

[ 07-29-2001: Message edited by: jerunamuck ]

#71124 - 07/30/01 07:46 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?
bosishere Offline

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
getteddie of Baltimore, I tried to use the e-mail address you gave me but yahoo says they don't have the address. What gives? by the way, I used it twice, once as you gave me, and then I took out all those "m" in the address you gave me, but still they said they have no address. that comes from yahoo's central office. I would suggest you try somethime else. bos

#71125 - 08/01/01 03:29 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i do not know of any studies but i do now how messed up i am sexually....i was first abused at age 2 or 3......i'm 42 now and have never had sex with anybody in my life......i'm fairly attractive and have had numerous offers from guys and girls, but sex totally freaks me out......i've tried to commit suicide a bunch of times, but since i quit therapy a couple of months ago, the thoughts are getting stronger....i will not go to the hospital does no good......nothing does any good......i do not know where to turn....if you'd like to contact me, i can be reached at care of yourself......michael

#71126 - 08/01/01 09:41 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Bsishere and Everyone,
My E-mail address is I'm here if you E-mail me I will answer...if still kicking!


#71127 - 08/14/01 08:37 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?

Jerunamuck: Thanks so much for your post. I am pressed for time at the moment and therefore need to postpone responding. You have given me much to think about.

I will respond soon. Thanks again.


#71128 - 08/29/01 02:55 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality - Any Connections?

Hey Lance,

A few things in your posts resonated with me and I figured I'd throw in my two cents.

As for the sexuality/abuse issue (does it make us gay?): my situation is a little complex. I was molested at an early age (6-9) by my sister. After that, for the most part, I did not have sex again until I was 24. Since this was with a man (and all other sex has been likewise), I always wondered in the back of my mind if what my sister did to me turned my desires away from woman. I was definitely freaked out by the abuse and I figured it had to play a part.

After speaking with therapists and reading books, I've discovered that most educated professionals don't believe sexual trauma affects basic sexuality. Sure, abuse gives an entry into a world you might not have known of intimately, but it doesn't determine anything completely.

Clinically speaking, people who advocate the idea that abuse affects sexuality, would predict that I would not be gay since my abuser was a female. Instead, I would either retreat from sex, or be exhibit Don Juanisms. Neither were the case. After a three-year relationship, I did start having a lot of casual sex, but everything was with men.

Right now, I'm just beginning to really confront the incest/abuse. I did a little therapy two years ago and then brought it up to my sister soon. After putting things on hold for a while, I'm now hoping to attend a group session soon. I'm just beginning to see how this has all really fucked up how I relate with people, and I'm hoping that some community will relieve the crushing anxiety I often have.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I was going to send this just to Lance, but I thought I'd just post it in general as I guess that is what this is for, no?

I'm pretty green to all this. Thanks for reading everybody.

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