Hi. I am 45, was abused sexually, physcially, emotionally and spritually by my parents and my older brother. The first sex I ever had was at age 8 with my older brother, and on several occasions. The next was with my drunken father when I was around 10, by force. My nmother beat me regurlay, told me every bad thing that happened to her was my fault, that I was abnormal, etc... Whje also made me her surrogate husband because of my parents' pretty unhealthy marriage and had no sexual boundaries in terms of letting me see her naked.
All my life, I have been afraid of women and yearned for the love of a man...a buddy, a best friend.
I have been sexually attracted to both men and women, but feel safe with men, as long it is only casual friendship that includes sex. I also fel safe with women when there is no relationship interest or possiblity. I was married for 11 years in a very toxic and abusive marriage, and I no have two children whom I love dearly
I ended my marriage 7 years ago, and dated two women (not at the same time) for about 12-18 months each. In all that time, I never touched either of them sexually...hardly even kissed them. I wanted to, but was too scared and uncomfortable. they wanted more form me, knew of my abuse, but I just couldn't do it. They each left me.
For the past 4 years, I have been having casual sex with younger men and liking it, but missing intercourse with a woman. I have ben compuslive about it often (yes, I am a sex addict, too). Several months ago, I met a man on line who is very attractive and seemed very sweet. I finally met him about a month ago, and we have seen each other several times. He is the best thing to happen to me in 7 years in terms of how he makes me feel...liked, cared for, accepted as I am, attractive, sexy, etc. We have much in common, many similar likes and dislikes, and I really enjoy being with him. We donlt just meet for sex. We go out to dinner, movies, etc....and we spend the night at each other's home, not just leave after sex.
And yet, there is still this emptiness because, once again, it is more casual, though we are actually dating...something new for me with a man.
I am torn between wanting a normal family life and wanting the companionship of this pretty wonderful guy. I want to have a loving wife with whom i can feel safe and share my life (something I can't seem to open myself to yet) and also set an example for my children...and I want the comfort and safety of a good male buddy and friend.
I am confused and very sad. It is very painful. I think of my new gay friend and feel both happiness in being with him and deep sadness and loss in feeling like he is not really what i want ultimately.
I feel so alone and isolated and depressed...and all i want is for him to be with me and comfort me and to have fun with him.
[ 07-06-2001: Message edited by: LanceC ]