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#70824 - 03/01/01 04:37 AM Re: Sigh
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
2-28-01:7:35pmPT, Raven

From down under, is it HOT!!! I think it is hot where your at. Did you see my SURVIVOR entry? What did you think of it? Instead of the gay survivor story button, click onto the survivor one, then look for fmighell entry.

Do you know why we are survivors? Some here can tell a good story, I can read about their story when they write, but I still don't understand why? My head hears but my heart still cry's.

It's OK is mine too, but my Dad is split in my mind, because he is my Dad and gone in my mind.

I wrote in still confused about my mom, but she past away into forever sleeping. I used to be scared of her, man when she drank. First time I remembered her going after my Dad with an ax, awaking me by my Dad climbing into bed with me one night. Shaking all over and bleeding from scratches all over his naked, alcohol sweating body. Squatting in the corner of my bed, pulling on my blanket in front of him. Dreading every time my Mom chop away the wood from around the lock door knob. Little by little the light ray of light made a laser beam, and I could see the little red eyes in my Dads eyes. When out side in the dark and shinning a flash light into dog eyes and shine a florescent shinny color. Dads was red, when I looked at him, from light rushing in the wedges she made the light beam bigger with every chop. The door flew open and my Mom with the ax in one hand and with the other one, take my Dad by his ear, head tilted and ear stretch for the sky, right out of my room awww all the way into their room with screaming and yelling in the back ground.

She used an ax twice, and a hammer once to open my locked doors, getting my Dad.

He didn't always get it from my Mom, some times she ended with a cast around her arm our have bandages around her wrist from cutting her self, or ether trying to hang her self and my Dad would sometimes give her black eyes.
Once late at night somewhere at some bar or some house, my Dad was still in side but my Mom was waiting outside in the car for him, we all were waiting, my brothers and sisters in the back seat. When this guy walking down the side walk stop at our car and he was trying to open the car door by my Mom and she couldn't keep it closed and he toke off her pants and underwear while raping her when I was trying to fright him off her , he just backhands me across the car in to a window. Mom said that she reach down and grabbed this guy by his testicles pulling with all her strangeth and this guy left after a loud yell.

I don't have to worry about them that way anymore, now I live in my mothers home land.
Alaska, fmighell

[This message has been edited by fmighell (edited 02-28-2001).]

[This message has been edited by fmighell (edited 02-28-2001).]

#70825 - 03/03/01 02:49 AM Re: Sigh
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
march 2,2001,7:17pmPT,
Raven how's it going? Were are you? I'll bet you can't get to a computer often.
I hated my younger years of abuse and neglect. I had the most freedom any kid would want in all the world.

I hunted for gulf balls to re-sale at the golf course. Half the day spent looking for the hide-&-seek, white little balls, lost by some golfer. Only when the bad shots made it in to the cannel. The cannel wines around like a gaint snake, and go's right the gulf course. After we had made some money, we'd go to the store and buy some food to eat at the park, picnic table.


#70826 - 03/18/01 07:03 AM Re: Sigh
SearchIn Offline

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
Hi Raven,

I read your post and visited your web-site. I must say that your site is very cool ... you should be quite proud of yourself ... its really great …. honest it is.
Your poems are so special ... please don't stop writing them. I also write poems ... and I have been able to express so many of my feelings that I haven't been able to speak out in the open to anyone. Use them Raven to release things you wanna say. Look deep within and let it out - let it go.
No one .... "NONE" ... knows how you "feel" Bud ... only you do. Many of us "understand" what pain and hurt you endure. Even though we don't feel exactly your "feelings" we do share similar one of our own.
I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused as long as I remember. As a young child I didn't understand any of it ….. it just happened to me …it was all I knew …. and it's what I thought I was. I grew up believing it was "who I was" …. and I have struggled my whole life untangling that past.
For me, I kept holding on to all the "hurt" and "pain" …. trying so hard not to feel my fear of abandonment and feelings of being so alone. I was "searchin" for "love" …. seeking out acceptance and approval from others …. someone to understand me …. someone to know what happened to me … someone to make all that hurt and pain go away ….. someone to "make me whole" …. and mend the broken person that I was.
We are "survivors." That's not an easy task to undertake. Many of us struggle each and ever day dealing with the past …. looking for the answers …and asking "why" me? It is hard work. It takes courage and strength to make it through the darkness. No one knows what we go through. We are true champions.
Don't ever give up. You will find your way. Let me give you a big jump ok ….. I wished I'd learned this one when I was 13. Raven … you hold the keys …. it's you … you're the one …. you are the answer … you can make it happen … only you can do the work …. and you can mend that brokeness. Know that God does love you …. he never wanted you to go through this …. He accepts you as you are ….. and lets you choose who you wanna be. You are "not" what happened to you … you are who you "chose" to be.
Keep your chin up …. hold your head high … keep on "SearchIn" …. you will find your way. If you stumble along the way … learn from your mistakes and move on.
You're special Raven …. you always have been and you always will be … don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Listen to others who have gone the way before … they can help you keep a steady course.
Hugs! You're not alone …. You're one of use … you are a survivor … you are a "champion" too.

Wishing the best for you always …

- SearchIn -

#70827 - 03/18/01 07:11 AM Re: Sigh
SearchIn Offline

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 6
Loc: Wichita, Kansas
" Mending "

Once I had a broken heart ....
I thought would never mend or heal.
Once I had a lost soul,
And I would not let if feel.
Once I held on so hard,
To all my hurts and pains.
Once it made me wonder,
If I could ever be loved again.

What happens when a broken heart,
Begins to mend and heal?
What happens to a lost soul,
When it begins to feel?
What happens when you quit holding on,
To all that hurt and pain?
What happens to somebody,
When they start to love again?

I'm learning that a broken heart,
Can be embraced and be ok.
I'm learning that a lost soul,
Can find its troubled way.
I'm learning I can let go,
To all those hurts and pains.
But most of all I'm learning,
That I can love myself again.


#70828 - 03/19/01 01:10 PM Re: Sigh
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am working on a book about my life. I have endured sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

This poem has been printed in the book "In Cabin Six", (I wrote it pen name m. joseph)

No Words

There are nowords to
dsecribe my pain
explain how I feel.
Tell you I'm hurting.

There are no feelings
left in my body
they all left
the day you hurtme.

There are no tears
to be shed because
there are no words
inside me.

No words, only numbness
feelings severed from my body
ripped from my soul
By your bare hands.

I plan on displaying some of my poems
at the conference in Oct.

I am really hurting

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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