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#70795 - 11/12/00 12:25 AM gay surviving
Rik Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 2
Loc: St Louis, MO
I have been in recovery for 13 years and am grateful for many wonderful changes. However, this gay thing (and sex thing) is a hurdle. I thought for a while that I would be happy living without sex but that's being untrue to myself. My fear of other men is still so intense (most of my friends are women) and yet I desire other men. I have tried going to gay recovery groups but I am so scared that I cannot talk to anyone and flashbacks recur. Wondering how other men have dealt with this issue of one's abuser being male and yet being gay. Thanks.

#70796 - 11/12/00 07:32 AM Re: gay surviving


Am about to go crash, but wanted to at least tell ya that I'll respond to your message in the next day or two....

Don't want ya to think no-one cares about your concerns....'

Later guy,


#70797 - 12/01/00 11:28 AM Re: gay surviving
blaidd Offline

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Some time has passed since this post, but thought I'd respond anyway...
I relate to what you have said very well. After years of therapy I still have problems with intimacy. I was 27 before I allowed a man to touch me in an intimate way. Over time my fears have lessened, and I do currently maintain a relationship. However, intimacy is still problematic, and causes some angst. Having a loving partner and someone who understands, makes it a little easier, but its still a hard road to follow.
I encourage you to stick at it, because there are rewards in sharing one's love with another man.



[This message has been edited by blaidd (edited 12-01-2000).]

Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

#70798 - 12/02/00 03:59 AM Re: gay surviving
Rik Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 2
Loc: St Louis, MO
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you had the courage to pursue the love you wanted and to keep moving despite fear. I have been trying to take the small steps toward intimacy with another man but can't conquer the shaking so I can take that walk, or having my fear look like haughtiness or disinterest. All I know to do now is pray and not give up. Thanks for your encouragement.

#70799 - 12/02/00 11:32 AM Re: gay surviving
rax Offline

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Im in the same boat.
Im gay and yet for a long time I've been scared to go to public male restrooms because of this fear of molestation. and that includes the restrooms in my office building! I've been with a lot of men, but Im yet to find one who understands what I've been through and in whose arms I can sleep one peaceful night.
hang in there.
fall in love with a man and trust him enough before you go to bed with him. making love with someone you love is a beautiful thing.
look forward to it.
work towards it.
first be friends, then best-pals, then lovers.

#229714 - 06/08/08 06:24 PM Re: gay surviving [Re: rax]
DMCarrollG Offline

Registered: 06/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: Brooklyn, NY United States

I too was once terrified to go into public restrooms because of an abuse that occurred at a beach restroom when I was 11. I'm in my late 20's now and for about two years now those symptoms have gone away thanks to a 10-wk male survivors group I participated in... for me connecting with other male survivors and talking about what happened allowed me to lessen my fear of other men, gay and straight, and to also feel more comfortable with who I was next to another man. I think it was a big plus that my group had gay and straight men both...

For a long time I didn't think I was gay because I thought my feelings were just the effects of the abuse and a cycle that was set up for me literally asking for it. But through time I've come to see being gay as its own part of my being and the abuse blurred in and around the issue... or maybe, blurring is more appropriate.

I still have primarily female friends. I lost years of bonding with males my age and making those connections and feeling comfortable in them... it's part of my path, and I suspect many others. Even now I strive to reach out to more gay men and have moments of wondering if I "should" have more gay friends...

Yet, I have more now than I did a year ago... and that is many more than I had 5 years ago. My therapist had told me that things only come to us when we are strong enough to handle them. I'd say that if you are trying to head in a direction and a lot of triggers are there or you're having flashbacks... be gentle. Maybe take a step back. Maybe we(and I include myself in this) don't have to push ourselves into being able to handle or do what we think is best for us, and can listen to our bodies and hearts and what they need.

It took my Mom until she was 45 to wake-up and, in her words, "stop living like I was just waiting to die." I'd say she lived that way since my parents' divorce when I was 6. We can't really know how long our time of recovery needs to be is the lesson I learned from her. I'm often as impatient as they come... it's a hard one to keep in mind, but important to come back too, I think.

All the best to you... thanks for posting and inspiring one of my first posts.


#229724 - 06/08/08 08:00 PM Re: gay surviving [Re: DMCarrollG]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri

As I said in respone to your Mo's post, welcome to MS. I am sorry you need this place, but I am glad you found us. This site has become a second home for me, and the guys here are the ones that make it so appealing. I hope you will find MS as helpful as I have.

After reading your post, I think you have a very good attitude towards recovery. It is a struggle and a very long road, but together we will reach the end. I love your Mom's quote...

"stop living like (you're) just waiting to die."

For way to many years, I would have to say that is what I was doing. I have reached the point were I have begun to LIVE, and I now look forward to a long and fulfilling life.

Pull up a chair, read all you want and post often, your wisdom and insight will be a wonderful addition to this site.


Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

#245394 - 08/18/08 06:43 PM Re: gay surviving [Re: Scoutvictim]
Kamilin Offline

Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Colombia
hmmmm, everybody needs sex at one point of their lifes.

just find the right person, but, its not easy, i had to bang like 20 people to find a compatible person.

i hope you get lucky on you search beware of oldies on rampage with aids.




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