at certain times i feel strong and self posessed

but then inevitably, it seems, i reach a snag of sorts -

the task at hand is either done - or i am simply needing a change -

i don't really have a total clue -

but it's like

... i become the invisible eye ....

and i loose a sense of myself -

and yes then i think about wanting ----

even with sex - or like i used to smoke -

or even eat ----

it's weird - it's like i loose myself - and the one

validating thing - is my appetite -

the wanting -

and really - i want more than that -

but i guess it's one thing i have to accept about

myself -

Why am i not perfect?

i don't know

all i know - is i try to make jokes about it

i just had a weird - bland time - at 'a place'

and upon leaving i said to the 'check out'

after he asked me if i had a nice time

i said "eh - not really - I looked behind me waved my hand across the place and said

YOU're all fired - !

he giggled and said

"underachievers eh?"

I said - Yeah -

They get no bonus!

I suppose this is a bit off topic

but maybe not -

I think somehow - my own sense of self is returning in the sense -

that I am coming to grips with some good things

and not so good things about me -

I want to feel like I am an excellent person

but I think we put that on each other

we see people - their 'beauty'

and it's like we respond to 'iconography'

when really no one is perfect - AT ALL

and though some have lived without the abuse we have

and they can dance lightly upon the surface -
and thus have more energy - in some ways -

and achieve things - for not being encumbered -

I guess also we can know that indeed -

nobody is "barbie" or "ken" or

Ken and GI Joe -

whatever -


peace -

- i have to admit - the image of i become the invisible eye -

i coined from an american 19th centurey poet -

when i read that - i thought - my god that's me!

" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous