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#70217 - 06/08/06 10:40 PM Re: Gay???
Heartonfire Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Montreal Canada
Dear God Almighty and Mother Earth!

What you wrote SCooter, sums up my experience like no other!!
I wonder... when we let ourselves relax and feel most deeply, and pass through the hells which were imprinted on our bodies and in our heads... As it all arises... the doubt, betrayal, rage, holding on... to the only thing there is left... when all your ego powers were stripped... that maybe the lesson in all this is that all we are and all we have left is... one choice... to love or not to love, ourselves and others. We are free to make that choice. We have each been given a body, with memories, desires, orientations, character traits, and talents... we have all the choices to make about how we develope ourselves from all that we already are...
And like Roadrunner said, we can't make a house on poor foundations. So, we make all sorts of choices and when we start to re-claim who we already are and what we have been through, trully accept ourselves, then the foundation begins to firm up and our choices lead to sustainable buidlings... though we (or rather I) know that I have power and choice to construct my life the way I want at that same time as I also have choice to accept or deny who I am and how I have lived.

I hope I am not being too abstract here for you guys. I am just piecing all of me together and seeing a bigger picture emerge... embracing more of me: a desire to cross dress to be like the women who raised me and sheltered me, to grab cocks to get closer to men and a fantasy to hurt men and boys like I was hurt and how this does violence to us all (in fantasy, expressed and liberated from my soul recently), a desire to be fucked by a man uncovered as a desire to be recognized and loved, desperation to please developed as a gift to be of service and to share my power to recognize others.
Life seems so interesting on this once painfully rocky and trecherous road... many bumps to navigate and storms to wade but love is all around and there is trust in me. I wish you all well.

Heart on Fire

#70218 - 06/09/06 06:36 AM Re: Gay???
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

What I read in all these posts is the story of confusion that so often affects a boy after the abuse ends. I have already said what I wanted to express above, but here I just want to stress two things.

First, there is nothing weird or fucked up about this confusion. It hit us at a young age when we were being tricked and used as toys to gratify someone else. How could that not be devastating?

The other point is that however it all works out we WILL be okay. Straight, gay, somewhere in between? Fine. We have to be true to ourselves and decide where our happiness lies. On an issue as vital and personal as sexuality, our task certainly is not to meet the expectations of others.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#70219 - 06/11/06 03:43 PM Re: Gay???
Matt Wildbore Offline

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3
My father was sexually abused.

My relationship with him as a child was @#$%%ed up.

I ended up being gay and I think part of that is about male to male intimacy.

Or maybe its genetic and I don't have to think about it 'cos it's no one's fault....

Sexual acts animals can do as well as humans. Bulls have sex with bulls occasionally. And probably it's just about an available warm dark hole if only we could get inside their minds.....

Being gay in your head as opposed to your groin I think is about who you choose to experience the feeling of intimacy with and how cared for you feel through that.

I am gay and so view it from that perspective only. Still not really sure about what is my absolute truth. I think it being about genetics would be easier.

What I am sure about is that at my most vulnerable times I ache for the strength and protection of my father's arms which were never there.

#70220 - 06/11/06 09:20 PM Re: Gay???
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Matt and all,

I've often wondered how many gay men actually had a loving and supportive relationship with their father when they were growing up. I believe that what you described
What I am sure about is that at my most vulnerable times I ache for the strength and protection of my father's arms which were never there.
is at least a portion of the whole dynamic on same sex orientation for some gay individuals, but not the whole picture by any means. I believe there is also genetics, sexual abuse related issues, and personal choice, among other things, that also play a part. Further, I believe that for each individual it is different. For some, it may be only one dynamic, where for others, a combination of 2 or more.

Just one man's opinion.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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