Dang! This sounds so much like what happened when
our family got a Christmas package from my mother,
perp #1, this past Christmas season. I got all shook up (not what Elvis had in mind either!) & didn't want to touch the stuff.
My wife opened it; she & the kids decided we would keep none of it & it is trash!
My mother also sent a note asking why I'd not returned any letters in the last almost 2 years--from the time I started abuse memory flashbacks, tho she doesn't know that.
In my case my wife urged me to write my mother back before she tracked down my phone number & called me (she lives out West), and tell her what was on my mind--meaning quit sending us shit, quit contacting us, and stay out of our lives!
So I did. Just a note saying I had issues with her going back to childhood and could not be in contact with her until further notice which might
be never. So far she has not attempted further contact. Good thing too.
Your phone conversation with her sounds like one I had with her about 5 years ago when for a time I restored contact with her for a few years. I'm a slow learner sometimes. She was so in denial then without any details even. I was in denial about the hopelessness of our so-called relationship. But no longer!
John, we've both made some good boundary setting survival moves. Since we can't pat each other on the back, perhaps we can each pat ourselves on the back.
OK 1-2-3...forget the pat--group hug!