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#69783 - 02/05/06 04:25 PM Not fair
asdude1981 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/04/05
Posts: 6
Loc: melbourne
I just want to say it was very hard for me to get on with my life after I was brutally attacked at 20. I am 24 now. Whats the hardest part to accept is the scars that I know will never heal. I suffered a lot of PTSD and visited a lot of sex saunas since its dark and the scars won't show that much. I can not get into a relationship because nobody would want me. Trust me 4 guys immediately ran once they find out. I see a lot of people in relationships and I know what I am missing out on. I feel like I am the only loser in Melbourne. In my case it felt easier sleeping with much older guys since I know younger would not be interested. Its sick but thats how my life has changed because of what happened to me. I was treated very bad by the police and I have to live with the fact that my attackers have got away with it. Sometimes I wish I was not alive, I just suffer everyday. Whats the point. I try to be optimistic but thats easier said then done. Everything was taken away from me and it its not fair.

I will not give up - Andrew

#69784 - 02/05/06 04:46 PM Re: Not fair
markgreyblue Offline

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
is plastic surgery a viable option?

" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous

#69785 - 02/05/06 08:47 PM Re: Not fair
RockyMtJoe Offline

Registered: 08/11/04
Posts: 97
Loc: East of Pueblo, Colorado
Hello Aussie

Seems that at 24 things do get overwhelming.
Suspect that your scars are real and emotional. I do know that experience in what you are going through tells me at least you are strong enough to look at issues. I know you are not the "loser" in Melbourne and suspect you will be a total survivor.

Things pile up. Although your scars relate to that
evil attack, they are not what defines you. I know this from a few scars I picked up in the military. Some of my "mates" did seem to dwell on their combat wounds, most moved on. Support is what helped many of us. Hope you find some local support there in Australia. Know you will find it here on this forum.


People ask me sometimes what did "that" to my left side of my mouth and cheek: never told anyone Vietnam. Answered such as snakebite, shark attack,
football, as I aged into an old fart, it is lost in the wrinkles now. Took me a few years not to think about Vietnam everytime I shaved. Grew facial hair as a moustache and such.

#69786 - 02/06/06 07:52 AM Re: Not fair
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
dude as if looking in the mirror isnt bad enough with the inner scars ,we get to see a constant reminder in the scars outside .i have posted here many many times ,but in only maybe one of my posts did i mention the scars on my face ,i have gotten used to it i guess ,people do notice but i dont .just forget its there, most people wont ask about it unless their total idiots

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#69787 - 02/07/06 12:28 AM Re: Not fair
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

As Joe says, the scars don't define you. Don't beat yourself up because others see you only in terms of your injuries.

The "losers in Melbourne" are the shallow fools who think of people only in terms of their outward beauty. That kind of rejection hurts so bad, especially when you are young, but perhaps it would help to think that you would not want to be in a relationship with that kind of person anyway.

When you find someone who sees past that, however, it will truly be something special.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#69788 - 02/08/06 05:31 AM Re: Not fair
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

My heart really goes out to those of my brothers who have the physical scars in addition to the emotional ones. I have a very good friend who was brutally raped and has had surgery after surgery to just correct the damage - not even addressing any cosmetic surgery.

The hard thing is that the physical scars are a daily reminder of what happened to you. And to me, that's just another punch in the face to add to what SA has done to us.

Others may disagree with me, but in the gay world, looks are a prominent feature of life (and please understand I am NOT making any judgment statements - just a personal observation). But, if you take your time and work on yourself and being comfortable with just being YOU, I think that you will find folks who don't really care about the scars.

Don't rely on the shallow people to be your gauge. They are the empty, inconsiderate and unkind ones!

Please keep writing - you're in the right place.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#69789 - 02/19/06 08:57 AM Re: Not fair
DrRalph Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/19/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Philadelphia
I don't know how to respond Andrew because I don't know the extent of the scarring, or more importantly ... what meaning you have given to the scarring. I don't want to dismiss the significance of the visible scars. I know many people with scars that were the result of willfull and malicious acts of cruetly. These scars are not like scars form an accident, or a fall, or even war. They were intentionally meant to disfigure....

I am sure you have heard from doctors, make-up artists, and others how to alter or lessen the significance of the scar. Certainly plastic surgery is very effective, so are peals, and laser etc, etc., Or you can tattoo them... or see their meaning differently.

This is not to minimize the horrible experience you survived. It is to suggest that as long as the scars hold the negative power they hold you a bit hostage. They become objects that remind you of a negative history... I would rather you see them as memories of your ability to survive.

Tell the world the truth if they ask about the scars if you can. Simply put it out as your truth. Simply. Gently. And Briefly. Then move on. But don't lie, or avoid the reality. But respoect your privacy as you tell your truth.

A scar on a young gay guy might seem like the end of the world. Most gay men [outside of the bar scene] are less than perfect. I am less concerned with the scars than I am about your going to gay saunas, and hiding in the dark.

This behavior is potentially dangerous, and you deserve much better. Please check to see what can be done to alter or reduce the scarring. Then come back to the mainstream.. proud of having survived, and entitled to live a life that is healthy, satisfying, and fullfilling.

Be good to yourself man.

Dr. Ralph


#69790 - 02/23/06 12:49 PM Re: Not fair
watstobe Offline

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Wow, Dude you have had a rough journey, one I can sympathize in a very small fraction with, however without the physical scars. In reading your posted message you mentioned the sex saunas and finding them most apropos because it was dark, and therefore no one could see you. In my early 20's I found myself out in the world free to do as I please. I was working 6 days a week about 16 hours a day with another part time job on the weekends. (This was something I began since I was 15, but I worked less hours due to schooling.) Working was a way I found to avoid anything about my true sexual identity. Although I buried myself in work I still found time to stop by the dark and secluded Adult book stores and engage in sexual activity. Each time I left I felt dirty and non-worthy of anything!

The book stores allowed me to experience sex in a very dark, dismal atmosphere. This only aided with the sense of feeling dirty and I loathed myself. When I had my first encounter I remember getting in my car afterwards then breaking down and sobbing. I started my car and luckily it was very late at night for I drove like a maniac anticipating suicide. I wanted this all over with. Needless to say I didn't crash and was safe for the evening. As I grew older I found that if I did allow myself to engage in any sexual activity it had to be in a very dark dingy place. I met older men who asked me back to their homes or elsewhere. I picked up hitch hikers, although never thought of anything sexual. This was not a smart move.

After the countless years of abuse as a child I found myself in a very bad situation. Oblivious to the negative I picked up a hitch hiker and found a knife at my throat shortly after driving away. I was instructed to drive into a very desolate place and perform sexual acts that were bad. For some reason I remember thinking to myself, "You deserve this!" I was scared but most of all I felt weak and so very dirty. What made me even freak out more afterwards was the fact that I thought I was physically turned on because of the obvious. I thought I was a degenerate and again I wished for death, but on my terms. By the grace of god I escaped without harm that evening. Ironically I ended up arriving home way past my curfew and my pop gave me a whopping. Oddly enough I felt I deserved it. Naturally I couldn't divulge what had transpired therefore my father took it as deliberate act on my part.

Getting back to the issue of dating older men. I found I would only “date” men much older than I was. My twisted way of thinking was that they were mature and not into playing games. I also thought they would not use our encounters against me, whereas I felt a younger man would use the fact to black mail me. It may sound silly but I lived in constant fear. All I knew was if it were ever to come out my life was over! During this time I had a priest (who was a friend of my uncle who was also a priest) fondle me right in the kitchen area as my mother cooked and chatted with my uncle. For years I doubted myself, thinking I had been delusional, only imaging that he did this/ Again I felt that I had to do something to warrant such acts. I also had the head of the guidance counselor's office make suggestive comments whenever he brought me in, which became frequent towards the end of the school year. I think he was feeling me out and wanted me to say I was gay then he would have made his move. He let me know he was married; indirectly he let me know he was willing to have fun. At the time I questioned myself and again felt dirty for ever having these thoughts cross my mind. At this time I was only barely 17 and very naive. I never thought about telling my parents for I would be mortified if this became public. I also had been instructed for years as a child never to divulge such secrets. I was told if I did I would be severely punished for it and no one would ever believe me. This came to be true when I did finally break down and tell my parents. My pop totally ignored me, in fact he looked at me with such disgust and disdain. As for the perpetrator, my father didn’t believe it and treated this family member kindly. This blew me away!

Back to my early 20's, I engaged in this type of sexual activity for a few years. One day I realized it wasn't a positive thing for me to be doing, and therefore I stopped. I went into a severe depression, but hid it well working more hours for 7 days a week. (The positive note was that I made money and was able to save for my own home and restaurant.) I had nightmares of all the years I was sexually abused, as well as the hitch hiker incident. I also began to be hit on by a few guys. This freaked me out. What did they know? Do I appear gay? Am I not a man (or manly enough,) so many issues boggled the mind. I sought counseling through my church and it was helpful to a degree. I couldn't be as open and honest as I could have been and therefore the help was limited.
Today I still have huge fears about sex. I just ignore any impulses of any kind for I believe it would ultimately reveal my sexual identity.

Having read and written thoughts here in this safe zone I have found I must learn to accept myself for whoever I am. I think I must work on the emotional abuse I underwent all those years toppled with my pops constantly calling me a faggot. My father knew it bothered me so he said it more and more whenever I "got out of hand" and mouthed off. I think he thought he was toughening me up and preparing me for the future. In the last few years of my pops life we became closer than we ever had been (we hadn't spoken in years, which is another story in itself) and I think he realized my strengths and the person I was. He nagged me on marriage and how I should be setting up roots with a family of my own. I always recall a conversation we had after I confessed the years of molestation He made it emphatically clear that he could never accept any of his sons being gay. Should a child come to him and suggest they were gay he would disown them, and he was adamant on the subject. If the road ahead should lead to the fact I am gay I believe I would loose most family members, but I must live life for whom I just to believe this! Having said this I also know I have a brother and sister-in-law I can count on!

Dude, I can sympathize with you regarding scars in that I developed a severe disorder 15 years ago after a work related accident. The disorder manifested into a big problem affecting my arm/hand and legs. My right arm became severely deformed and swollen. Whenever I cooked up enough nerves I went out with my parents for dinner or just a ride in the car. People would catch a look at me and gasp with horror. I was refused a seating at a restaurant for they thought I had something contagious. I had several doctors almost force me into a amputation of the arm/hand. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor who advised against the amputation, knowing it had the tendency to make the condition worse. I now am getting treatments on a daily basis that help significantly, and in conjunction with medication I have seen great progress. People still stare, so I have the hand and arm wrapped so it is not visible to the eye, except for the size. I am extremely optimistic that the future ahead will be much brighter. I only hope I can overcome my fears once I am healed physically. Perhaps I can move on emotionally and psychologically as well.

Sorry to have delved into so much here. I start writing and it is as if I can't stop. It is therapeutic to write one's inner most feelings and thoughts.

I thank everyone who has responded to my comments ad wish you all well. Dude, you hang in there for there are brighter days ahead. As you know you must take "baby steps" at first, however it is far better than taking two steps back!

I hope my thoughts shed some light on your life and how similar our lives run parallel to one another. Take care and continue to express all your feelings here where it is ultimately safe!

Warmest Wishes, Ed


#69791 - 02/25/06 10:49 AM Re: Not fair
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I'm so sorry. Bobby

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.


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