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#69473 - 12/11/05 09:57 AM Inrtoduction
rugbydawg Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/11/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Portland, OR
Hey guys, new here and wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Friends call me Dawg, and I play rugby, hence the nic. I am an adult survivor of numerous assaults. The reason I'm here now looking for others is because of some stuff that has come up with my partner. I am 38 my partner a decade younger. I've been HIV positive for about 10 years and apart form fatigue and headaches I'm OK.

My partner and I started having some serious arguments about a month ago. We had a couple that are good friends break up and this rocked our foundation. One of the couple came to live with us causing us to get a bigger place (stress) and placing me in an awkward place with the other guy (more stress). Meanwhile I was going through a bad depression, trying to adjust to new meds for that and manage a full time school schedule. I wanted to take a time out from our relationship and the move seemed like an ideal time to do it, I really needed my own space. Well I ended up thinking more and more about ending my life, so I checked into the local psych hospital for a little evaluation and chat . A few hours later I left convinced that I was really not that bad.

In the mean time came the move, and my partner telling me he wanted me to move out, permanently and calling me just about every name in the book. I remained quiet knowing that he would regret this and my words wouldn't make thing better.

He has a had a series of lovers that have cheated on him left and right, he assumed that it was only a matter of time that I would as well so he confessed to monitoring my web use and email (network engineer). To me this was a huge violation of trust, and I told him so. He apologized and we have been trying to make things work since.

Now the CSA part. I can have sex with anyone, except when there is love involved then I need trust. I have forgiven him his misdeeds, and we are communicating but he is having a problem with being patient around sex. Honestly for me I have no sex drive now, and he is making a good deal of comments about wanting life to be back to normal. I know that will take time, especially for me. He is not a stranger to my issues, has done some reading, but I am trying to understand the issues in my own life about trust, rape and intimacy.

I am seeing a therapist, good guy but think I need another one.

Right now I am feeling very toxic and a lot of anger. I read once that 60% of gay men who were abused as children become HIV positive through risky sexual behavior. For whatever reason this is made me so f****in mad that not only were my parents not there to protect me but afterwards none of the shrinks I saw mentioned this to me. I am a big boy and accept the consequences of my actions. Just needed to vent to some folks that understand and maybe get some advice on the relationship thing.

Everyone I have trusted has hurt me in some way, and I feel like I would be better off alone. He wants some idea of time involved in when things will be "normal' again and I just don't know. We are looking for a therapist together to work on these issues. I honesty wish he would just go to a sex club, I don't care I know where his heart is and it is just going to take me time to trust again.

Thanks and be well,


Carpe Diem

#69474 - 12/11/05 04:49 PM Re: Inrtoduction
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I am not a gay survivor, but your situation in some ways is familiar to me, so I thought I would respond to you.

It sounds to me like your partner is reading your request for a break from the relationship as meaning you are no longer interested in him. It's not clear to me, frankly speaking, what you have in mind. If you don't feel comfortable about sex right now that's entirely understandable, but if the hiatus is going to be a long one it could get to be a problem.

If what you mean is that you want a break from your partner as a person, then what future do you see for the relationship and how is your partner to know that? It seems to me that the two of you need to sit down and make your concerns and feelings for each other clear to one another. This would also help you in learning to trust him again.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#69475 - 12/11/05 07:28 PM Re: Inrtoduction
hanginon Offline

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
I can relate to much of what you describe. I am gay and had the same thing happen to me (monitor of email and web usage) by my ex-boyfriend. it broke the trust from my end, but the reasons for him doing this was because he didn't trust me in the first place.

sometimes, in my case for example, trying to help a boyfriend understand you and your actions can become an issue.

i don't know what to advise you but i want to tell you to try to focus your anger - channel it into something productive. being angry in life with no way of venting it is awful - eventually it will come out in a bad way.

i would also suggest you get a counselor for you and your partner together. he should seek help individually, too, if possible.

one thing is for sure - do NOT assume the responsibility for the success/failure of your relationship as 100% yours. there are two of you and you have some "special needs" right now (ie, no sex without trust) and you need to respect that so that he will, too.

trust yourself, dawg. you have to take care of yourself first and your limitations are real. know that you are not alone - i have been where you are and while i am now alone (for almost a year now) - i am still in love with the guy who walked away from our relationship. i haven't had sex for over 6 months and i refuse to succumb to sex for sex sake.

i trust my gut and know that there is a better place for me coming soon. i hope for you, too. it's not easier alone, believe me.

consider yourself hugged (and licked),
john and george (my dog)

walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

#69476 - 12/12/05 04:08 AM Re: Inrtoduction
george of kent Offline

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Welcome, Dawg!
Congratulations on being willing and able to put all that information out here, and for being self aware enough to have some sort of a handle on what it's really all about. ((Some of us are still stuck in believing our own BS and not yet able to be as honest as you seem to be)). This is a good place for sharing and listening; and counseling is a great resource for you guys as a couple and individually.
As we say in AA, "Keep coming back."
Love, etc.,

"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents


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