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#6890 - 06/21/05 04:39 AM lost within myself
Larrymat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/05
Posts: 27
Loc: St. Louis, MO
I thought I'd made some progress in therapy. More memories came back, even though highly arousing. I realized not just mom did things to me, and so did the male boarder next door, and so did grandma, but that mom and the boarder had become involved and then used me when i was 9, 10 for different things. While shaken, I started to accept some of it. Then at father's day dinner, my mom was there and i thought -- how could I have these false memories, how could I fantasize this, how could I blame her for my failings sexually? And I became so depressed and anxious. And today I'm sutrggling and shakey and masturbating because, once again,m is this all true or did I just make it up? Is it ME????? damn it damn it How could she do that to me, and participate with Cecil doing that to me, and be this way, so normal, so concerned (overconcerned). It must be me. Or is it? Or isn't it? If I only knew what to believe, my memories or this thing inside me that says it wasn't her or him. But then why do I have these feelings, these overpowering emotions. Why does my therapist say be strong, it wil be tough as you remember the difficult things? I'm just lost within myself.


#6891 - 06/21/05 05:09 AM Re: lost within myself
CrazyRob Offline

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
Sometimes you have to get lost in order to find your way.

Take a few moments and try to relax Larry. Try to remember that it is not happening right now.

Baby steps.

Strong is not something that you "be" it is something that you "are". Strong is simply a choice not to give up and to do the right thing as best as you see it.

And lastly, you have made progress in your therapy. Relapsing is a part of healing. How many times have you seen a baby fall down trying to learn how to walk? If the baby never fell down, how would it ever learn what it takes to get up?

Hang in there Larry, because you ARE strong.

"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."


#6892 - 06/21/05 07:38 PM Re: lost within myself
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Larry, there are so many of us that feel just like you do. I wonder to this day if my life is a mess because of the SA or if my life is a mess so I made up SA. But the fact is, my body remembers.

Bobby wrote a post called "IInsanity" in the Unmoderated that spelled out what I feel exactly.
"I am crazy. I made it up. He couldn't have done it. Why did I have to make it up? But I saw his eyes. I felt him do those things. I know he did it. I see him do it now. I scream, 'Don't do it!' Why would I scream that if he didn't do it?"
We blot the horrible out of our minds. It's the only way we can survive. And when the horrors of my life came back to me, it left me with two choices. Either my whole life was a lie or I must believe the lie. It's easier to believe this carefully constructed family scene my parents directed where we were the perfect family and bad things didn't happen. But the fact is, my dad scared me to death, beat me, shoved me, and slammed me until I bled. The fact is my mom stayed with him because, she "loved him", she says. The fact is, I was drawing pictures of myself and living these weird SA fantasies every day and every night while my "perfect" family lived their "perfect" life. The fact is, I was damaged by something. And when I remembered my uncle SA me in the woods, it all made sense. It wasn't my fault. It was the fault of my "perfect" family of liars who were really selfish, violent pedophiles.

It's not your fault. And it's easy to feel lost when the reality of our lives meets the lie we lived. We have to believe something. I hope you can find your way through the lies to find whatever is the truth. It's such a difficult search with difficult, life-changing decisions. But remember. Our lives were really changed decades ago. We're just remembering it now.

PM me anytime. I understand what you're going through.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17


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