>>>I.E. Hubby's mother has been very open about disliking me & even has gone so far as to attempt to sabotage our relationship.
This happened in my last relationship but to a lesser extent in my current relationship. I have known my fiance's family since the 1970's and my parents are friends with his parents so I suppose that all helps.
As I just said - a lot of "his mom hates me" stuff happened in my previous relationship - I was living with someone for a few years and my ex's mom would have all these "family" events and I clearly would not be invited - the "family" would extend only to her biological family (husband, daughter, my ex) and clearly NOT to me. In fact the night we broke up it happened at his parents house and his MOTHER, not him, took me home. She dropped me off and looked me square in the face and said "I think you better pack up your stuff and call your mother". NICE!!! NOT!!!!
I think all moms in some way have a bit of an issue with any woman with "their little boy" but I think for those who come from toxic backgrounds as no doubt a lot of SA survivors do, that it may be even worse. I dont think its a function of how the mom views YOU in particular but the world in general. And obviously a case of inappropriate boundaries...
>>>She has read a personal letter that I sent to him, opened it read it then hid it...
Again - lack of boundaries...
>>>Has said she WISHED he'd divorce me.
His father has called me a bitch (fairly so we were verbally fighting) but had even once stood up to deck me (hubby stepped between us).
Why do you want to even have any kind of relatoinship wiwth someone who does that??? Why do you want your hubby to have a relationship with someone like that?? Why bother??? Its no good for you to be around people like that - life is short and youv'e had more than your share of crap - dont even waste your BREATH with people who dont treat you with dignity and respect. Its not worth it. Who cares if they are your parents or his parents or anyone.. !
>>>How have your partners mothers treated your partners & you. WHAT kind of a relationship did / do you have with your partners parents? Siblings?
>>>WHO has been the social caretaker of those relationships? YOU? your Partner?
For the most part my partner comes from a mostly functional family. During the phase of his adolescence when he was abused (it was not by a family member by the way) there was a lot of unspoken tension and anger which was really encouraged to be suppressed, a lot of rules and regulations, a significant amount of emotoinal neglect, and a lot of "hush hush" about everything related to sex and relationships - which is what caused my fiance to go outside the family to get "advice" on all of that stuff from someone else - unfortunately the person he chose to seek that support from turned out to be a pedophile.
>>>I hope others will share an answer to my questions its been a topic of discussion with hubby & I and we wonder how others handle toxic or even NON toxic parents.
Basically now I'm the one with the more toxic set of parents but there are some things that my fiance's parents do that drive him insane. For the most part they really neglect themselves and their house, surroundings, etc, and in some ways his mother still operates her relationship with her sons on a basis of control and guilt. However, the good thing is that they live 3.5 hours drive from here
There are times when he has a hard time being with his family but fortunately he does not see them more than 3x per year at the most. There are MORE times when I have a hard time being with my own parents - mostly because they live closer (1 hour drive) and also my dad's emotional state has and continues to be really unstable. I am never sure when my dad is going to be "sane" or not.
As far as my fiance's parents and family - I leave the management of that relationship completely to him. Its NOT my responsibilty to ensure he has a relationship with them - that is his own business. And if he wants to call them or not, or have any relationship with them or not thats his own business. Fortunately even when I start to step into that area my fiance gets pretty blunt with me and tells me to back off. But if he didnt want to have an active relationship with them I dont think I'd do much to try and cultivate that, especially if they really hated me or I thought they were particularly toxic to him.
Really there is NO requirement that you have to spend ANY time with ANYONE who is toxic to you. Every time my fiance and I go to visit his or my parents, we work out a deal beforehand on how we will handle it - and most of the time we decide that if things get too hairy, we will just leave. NO questions, no muss, no fuss. To hell with family duty - if ANYONE including my parents treat me with less than dignified behaviour, I'm outta there.