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#68355 - 11/11/03 11:50 PM Trying to be supportive
lindts Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/03
Posts: 26
Should I send my bf books that I've read regarding SA? I'm asking because my intuition can't seem to make up its mind. He is coming back from a business trip (3 time zones away) so I know he'll be exhausted. I don't want to send them to him and get him upset and stressed out, particularly with the holidays coming up. But at the same time, maybe the SA never leaves his mind anyway. Things have been going well between us and getting better. I don't want to jeopardize that part. I can't give them to him in person, I'd have to send them because he never mentions SA, only in very limited written correspondence to me and vice versa. I've read many books but I'd like to send him "Victims No longer" and the follow-up book because I really got a lot of strength from them and I think he would too. At times when I read them, it was like I was reading specifically about him. I'm thinking about wrapping them up in brown paper, inside of a box, and including a note on the outside to let him know what they are before unwrapping them. That way, he can decide if he wants to read, store, or toss them. I've read that reading helps survivors in the early stages and I feel like, even though I am always here for him, I'm not 'actively' supporting him by 'doing something'. His good days are so rare, I just don't want to add to his unhappiness. Should I wait to send them (if so, until when) or go for it? Advice is greatly appreciated!

#68356 - 11/12/03 01:05 PM Re: Trying to be supportive
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
When you say his good days are rare, is that because of SA related stuff...I mean what HE asknowledges to be related? If so, that would indicate that it is very much on his mind.

How do y'all communicate? You might write him explaining that you have read this book, how it helped you, and how you would like to send it to him.

I am still at the voraciuos reader stage, but I don't know how I would have felt if my wife had given me any of the resources I have discovered on my own. At my most vulnerable I think I would have taken it as, "Boy, you really need help--read this!" There has been something slightly empowering for me to locate books on my own.

I mean, I still need help from people who can tell me what books or sites or groups, exist, but it helped me to know I was strong enough to find that book, check it out or buy it.

Of course, it was scary, too. What will they think if they see me getting a book like this. I was extremely self-conscious at the library wondering what the desk clerk would think as I checked out so many books.

No simple answers...welcome to the world of SA.

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#68357 - 11/13/03 01:13 AM Re: Trying to be supportive
lindts Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/03
Posts: 26
That's just it. His good days are actually the days that I perceive him to be having a good day, like when he calls me or is up for doing something on a weekend besides sitting at home by himself. Really, he may not be having good days, only days that are not as bad as the really bad days. Except for the initial letter he wrote to tell me the basics of the SA, he's never mentioned it since. I've sent him supportive letters without actually directly mentioning the SA. Otherwise, when we are on the phone or hanging out together, it is never mentioned. Your response to your wife if she had given you the books, is the exact response I am afraid of getting from my bf (probably why I asked the question). Early on, a few months back, I tried to show him something in one of the books, and he had this look of extreme pain on his face and became stressed. I felt terrible for causing that.
I guess I'm just feeling a need to be 'pro-actively' supportive. All I do now is try to be super positive and happy when he is around. I never bring the SA up because he gets extremely upset and retreats. But since he doesn't talk about his thoughts and feelings, I'm afraid he'll think I'm not being supportive or that I don't care about what he is going through.

#68358 - 11/13/03 01:39 AM Re: Trying to be supportive
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Who could resist picking up a book, or a leaflet, that somehow related to them ? not many people I know.

So why not leave them 'casually' lying around where he's bound to find them the next time you're together - if possible when he'll be left alone to 'find' one of them.

My copy of "Victims No Longer" is never far away from me, it's battered where I've thrown it at the wall, written all over it, spilt beer coffee and cried on it. It's such a good book, and once he's taken a sly look, I doubt that you'll get it back.

Sending him a copy ? I just don't know - that's a rock and a hard place choice.

It's good to know someone cares for another survivor though, I hope he begins to appreciate it.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#68359 - 11/29/03 06:35 AM Re: Trying to be supportive
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I agree with Dave, in that to 'have it around' can be helpful, to get him interested. Also, with holiday coming up soon, perhaps a gift to him could be a gift certificate to a bookstore (but probably one with an online service also, like Barnes and Noble, would be best, as he might be embarrassed to go to a store to buy himself such books). Just is my thought.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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