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#68340 - 11/10/03 09:01 PM How do I share?
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I have a question. Because of the strenght of emotions I am going through, I don't feel like my wife could take it, especially now. She is in crisis with her job since her boss is an asshole (sorry, but true)

But when I get into the darkness of my experience and memories, I fear telling her anything and don't want to "put anything on her". I'd like feedback. Can I turn to her? She is usually strong, but not now. I am not either. I am weak, and can't take the pain. What can I do? She is soft and gentle, and (duh) I can't ask guys for that kind of help.

P.S. I dump a lot when I write. I'd be clearer, but I often write when I'm emotionally spinning, and that's not often. But I am asking for feedback now.

#68341 - 11/11/03 03:23 AM Re: How do I share?
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US

Just ask but tell her what you said here. It is ok, if she cannot help 100% right now. Maybe she can help some. Sometimes just letting it out helps.

One thing for sure, an opportunity to help or to ask for help should not be missed.


Life is moving on. AM I?

#68342 - 11/12/03 08:54 AM Re: How do I share?
stpbb Offline

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
I agree with Freedom & I would also add that usually I know when something is going on with my ex bf. I can get stressed about NOT knowing what it is because he isn't sharing. Sometimes what I imagine is worse that the truth. No, make that ALWAYS, it is worse than the truth. So, for me, I find that when he is more open, even when it is asking for support or looking for someone to lean on, it is less of a burden than when I am biting my toungue NOT asking him what is wrong when I know SOMETHING is going on...

I think showing her that you care about what is happening in her life doesn't mean that you have to pretend that you are 100% ok & vice versa.


#68343 - 11/12/03 12:48 PM Re: How do I share?
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 406
Loc: Europe
You asked the ladies for their input, so I guess you should listen to them. But, I can't tell how ready YOU are to share. It wouldn't hurt to take a little time to think about exactly how much you want to tell, which questions you are ready to answer, etc.

I asked people on this site how to talk about this with my wife maybe just two weeks ago and got great help.(from BB. and others)

Folks here helped me talk about my past before I could talk about it with my wife. When I was ready to tell her, people helped me do that in a way that was more sensitive to her needs and mine.

If your wife's situation seems like it might sort itself out soon, maybe it is worth waiting. But if you feel like you must tell her, then a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. More power to ya.

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#68344 - 11/19/03 12:57 AM Re: How do I share?
April Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/15/03
Posts: 10
My vote is for telling her. There are always stresses in life. There is no perfect time.

Having gone through this for the past two month's, I am amazed how quickly the mind can try to gain understanding, absorb, rectify, file, etc.

It may hurt at first, but in the long run she will appreciate your honesty. It will confirm to her that she is a true friend to you.

Good luck!!!

#68345 - 11/19/03 04:37 AM Re: How do I share?
helpmystephen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/02
Posts: 19
Loc: nyc
I think that you should tell your wife. No matter what she is dealing with she is still your wife. While I was in law school I put most of my energy into school. My husband never told me he felt neglected because he thought thats what a good husband should do. Now a few years later my husband fells serious resentment towards me. If I knew how he felt back then I would have changed what I was doing. If you tell your wife you will be giving her a chance to be there for you.
Good Luck.

#68346 - 11/19/03 05:53 AM Re: How do I share?
tschirret Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/03
Posts: 20
Hello Alfred

I agree with April and H, and the other posters. Tell her. Discovering what has been going on with one's partner is very hurtful, but when you realize that s/he trusted you enough to tell you, it helps tremendously. I have been at both ends: my former partner not telling me anything and when I found out, it was much too late for our relationship; my present partner telling me, and I know I want to be by his side (which does not mean that it is 100% easy for me).
My experience is that a partner/spouse ALWAYS knows, if only unconsciously, that something is heavily troubling the other. As BB said, if your partner does not share, you go off in your mind and have the most excessive scenarios.
Give her the choice of how she wants to react. Let her decide if she'd rather not deal with it, or pretend you did not say anything, or be there for you. You may start by saying that you want to share something very important to you, to both of you, and that you understand that she might not want to talk about it right away, that she might want to have some space to think about it. What worked with me was my partner telling me that he would wait for me to be ready to talk about it. The plan was that we would agree on how often we would ask the other if he or she was ready to talk.
After the initial shock of his revelation, and with the helps of books and fellow MS members, I realize that it took guts for him to confide in me.
You mentioned that your wife is having a hard time at work. You might add (even if it is obvious, I believe it should be stated) that you are willing to listen to her telling you what is troubling her.
Best to you


#68347 - 11/20/03 03:21 PM Re: How do I share?
EverHopeful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/03
Posts: 5
What everyone else said is right on.

And heck, it might help her with her own worries if she could help you with yours. (Did someone else already say that?)

#68348 - 11/29/03 11:04 PM Re: How do I share?
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hey !
as a survivor girl and partner my advice is :
when you are ready, just go for it !
as partner of a survivor (and another one before that !) is that nothing is more lethal in the relationship than silence. I have just shared my current problem (on the partners forum) and what is killing me is Vincent's silence. I KNOW something is wrong, I know he has not told me the worse of his memories, I can even guess what it is but there's nothing I can do because he does not talk, he pretends and he avoids what's troubling him. I feel so powerless ! Nothing can be solved in our relationship right now.
I also remember when it was my turn to tell him. One evening on the phone emotions were reappearing with images of the abuse, the sense of humiliations, the oral rape...He sensed very strongly that what was resurfacing was important and he helped me to let it out. He heard it all and still he would still like me. I was so scared that he would leave me after having heard all that. I mean I felt so dirty. Anyway, I believe in love and in magic. I believe that a partner who loves a survivor is someone very special, with a capacity to love that is extraordinary. This partner would bear the heaviest burden just to make her man happy again. That's the way I feel for my Vincent.
It is also part of the healing process to share the horror of the experience, to family and friends. It is definitely more difficult with survivors because we are so craving for love, we are so afraid of being cheated on, abandoned...We feel so undeserving of this love.
It is part of the journey to learn that we can be loved so much it makes us vulnerable and soft at last. It is a leap of faith !
I wish you the best !

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#68349 - 12/01/03 06:29 PM Re: How do I share?
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Originally posted by Caetel:
Hey !
as a survivor girl and partner my advice is :
when you are ready, just go for it !
as partner of a survivor (and another one before that !) is that nothing is more lethal in the relationship than silence. I have just shared my current problem (on the partners forum) and what is killing me is Vincent's silence.
I agree - I tend to fill in the blanks to my own or to the detriment of the relationship when there is silence. If your wife has a track record of being supportive then I suggest letting her know. You may also choose the option of telling her these difficult things in the context of couples therapy in case the emotions get too overwhelming, and where she and you can both get some support.



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