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#68187 - 11/26/03 05:15 PM Re: Underserved Bad Rap
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
>>>Because of my experience with a male perpetrator, I feel very emasculated. I have not often felt like a man and have often not identified myself with men. Even when I daydream about accomplishing a goal, I do not picture myself as a man.

>>>Part of my recovery means reclaiming my masculinity.

>>>But if masculinity means being like him....

Oh man.. do you ever sound like my partner. He has the EXACT SAME issues... which is why I am in TOTAL support for individual "male-focussed" and "female-focussed" approaches for working with SA survivors. There are issues for survivors that are common to both, but there are some very real issues that are specific to each gender. I can't see a female-focussed approach really comprehending or addressing the isolation and difficulties men face as far as not trusting other men (difficult to form trusting and intimate friendships as it is for guys let alone dealing with SA) as well as gender confusion issues, etc.

I tell ya if I was a bazillionaire philanthropist (how do you spell that word) I would pour a lot of cash into male-centered abuse recovery groups all over the place. (for an example of a great approach to this see: ). Healthy men is definitely an important element for us as women in our pursuit of healthy workplaces, healthy relationships and healthy families!

>>>Shaped by this confusion, I encounter some movements (maybe not even whole movements but simply outspoken individuals) which are hostile toward men, often labeling men as violent, and it doesn't help me.

I can only hazard an explanation that "they" are venting the majority of their anger at sexual abuse perps - which the vast majority *are* male -but the "they" in question do need to recognize that abuse survival is not just a woman's problem. Unfortunately boys are almost as frequently abused as girls which leads to whole bunches of adults of BOTH genders with sexual abuse issues to deal with.

#68189 - 11/29/03 04:48 AM Re: Underserved Bad Rap
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I can relate to what you are saying. I have been at a survivor site before, which was supposed to be open to all sexual abuse survivors, where I was made to feel very guilty of being male, even though I also was abused by males. To be made to feel guilty and ashamed by OTHER survivors, that is horrible feeling.

I also have had comments made to me, of something that occured a few months ago. Several very hurtful comments were made to me of it, comments that made me feel like I had done something to deserve the hurt, and those comments were made by women survivors.

To stereotype at all, that men cause hurt and women heal, that abused men become abusers, all that is no better then being racist. There is no true 100% thing. I could never imagine ever causing harm of another, especially a child. To think that I would abusive to another, that is a disgusting thought to me.

I do not blame you for your anger, and I hope that you feel better at this point. Please take good care of yourself.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#68190 - 12/01/03 05:22 PM Re: Underserved Bad Rap
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Originally posted by jacobtk:
In my experiences "they' haven't been radical or angry. "They' have been pretty average. It makes it difficult for me to trust "them' when "they' claim to want to stop abuse.
I engaged my fiance (SA survivor) in this discussion (told him about this thread) from what he has learned in his (male-only) group therapy - his explanation is that unforutnately because most (but not all) sexual abuse perps are male and because there are more female sexual abuse victims are male (but there certainly is a significant number of male victims/survivors), the recognition and treatment of sexual abuse in society started from the feminist protest movement...

However, it is DAMN obvious that this movement has a long way to go to really incorporate male survivors. Unfortunately the feminist movement instead of truly being about "equality for women" has incorporated a thread of "anti-male" which really in my opinion destroys a lot of its credibility... but I digress...

So, again another reason why it is important to have male-centred and female-centred recovery groups. Fortunatley my fiance is able to participate in a male-centred approach but those types of resources are SORELY lacking - which is why this website is SO important!!!

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