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#67996 - 10/29/03 12:28 PM Question for friends and family of survivors
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Okay, it is strange maybe, but I have question for you. I have several very, very good friends who have been so helpful and supporting to me as I am learning more to deal of all this. It is still hard even to be open with them, but I am trying. It is honest, that without these people, I would be dead now. So, what I wish to ask is, how do I repay them? What is it that the person YOU are supporting could do to help YOU deal of all this, and to let you know how appreciated you are? I am curious, how I can be part good a friend at these people as they are with me. Thank you.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#67997 - 10/29/03 05:29 PM Re: Question for friends and family of survivors
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Your questions are good ones. I can only think from my point of view regarding hubby on this. What HE can do... I would like for him to live his life as fully as possible enjoying the positives that surround him. I would like for him to honor himself & me by not hurting himself with food, sex or over working. I would like for him to know exactly how smart he really is and how that impresses me beyond belief. I would like for him to really know without a doubt ever that he is handsome, funny and my hero for surviving some really rotten sh*t. I dont think it is about repayment for me... its about seeing and knowing he is happy and content and sleeping well. Its about him knowing exactly how much his presence in my life has helped me to feel secure and loved unconditionally. It's more about hearing him laugh heartily from his belly and seeing a smile on his face. Its about seeing him wake refreshed in the morning and wanting to cuddle or chase me around to wrestle. It's about hearing him actually breathing relaxed when his mom or his dad calls. It's about hearing him bang the crap out of his drums and play music so loud we have to yell to hear each other singing badly. Its seeing the little added hop in his step as he is walking. Its about seeing him grab up our girls without hesitation to hug and squeeze them. Its about seeing his eyes light up with deep happiness as he looks at me, our daughters and others in his life. Its about him slowly sliding my hand into his as we stand and chat with others. Its about seeing him excited with being successful with his schooling or work. Its about seeing him sigh with relief that he made it through another day without masturbating. Its hearing in his voice a solid conviction of his beliefs when confronting those who have held power over him for so many years. Its seeing and hearing in his voice strength and resilience standing up to my bluff and hollar. Its having him kiss me for no apparent reason other than he wants to. Its seeing him sitting in the tree stand so ever silently watching for a deer. Even watching the tears fill his eyes when his girls are coming home or leaving home again. Listening to him give his sisters 17 kinds of crap just because he can. It's hearing his soft deep voice telling me he is beside me and feeling his strong arms wrapping me up when I am scared or in pain. Its hearing him tell me to grab my helmet and jacket lets take a ride on the bike... Its hearing him give a rant and a rave on a political issue. It's hearing him tell a coworker to f*ck off with their sexualizing of women. Its knowing he has stood up and spoken about the horrible truths of what has happened to him.
What can he do to repay me? To go on living life to the best of his ability.. to be able to say I need Help, hold me, to cry openingly, to never give up his hope that life is good and can be a thriving experience. To be honest with himself and those around him even if that means he just doesnt know. To NEVER EVER harm himself ...
I want him to be happy ... that in itself is payment enough.
Thank you Leosha for making me think on this...

#67998 - 10/29/03 07:08 PM Re: Question for friends and family of survivors
stpbb Offline

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Hi Leosha,

Yes, I agree with Sammy. The only 'payback' I really hope for is to see my ex bf doing well. I find myself getting angry & frustrated when he talks about suicide, or that his life isn't worth fighting for. I am really happy right now because he is improving so much & putting so much effort into recovery. I don't need him to do anything but be honest with me & himself about his feelings. Sometimes that means we talk about things, sometimes that means he doesn't want to talk to me. Either of those is ok. I miss him when I don't speak with him, but I don't feel that he owes me that or anything else.

I think friends do & give what they can because they can & because they care. They don't do it to 'get' anything -- other than in the hope that the person they are giving help & support to will benefit from that support. There is a tremendous amount of satisfaction in participating in life in a way that is caring and makes a difference to others.

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes people are just nice to be nice & that is a gift to you & to them. One of the most influential sermons I ever heard in church was about how giving is actually a pretty selfish act for most of us -- it feels good, it makes us feel better about ourselves & about humanity. That doesn't mean it isn't still generous or good to do things for others, it just means that the transaction is complete when the gift is given. Think about giving gifts to children for their birthday or christmas -- the enjoyment is in watching a little person get excited & happy & to see joy that most adults don't find so often in their grown up lives. Does that child need to go out & buy a gift to return the favor? Not in my book!

So, I think that just being good to the people in your life when you are able, being honest with yourself & taking very good care of the precious person that you are so that others can have the priveledge of knowing you is what needs to be the focus. It is sometimes hard to accept kindness from others, but if you do & you become stronger you will find times when you have the opportunity to be kind to others -- like you are on this message board with all the support you offer to others who come here.


#67999 - 10/29/03 08:56 PM Re: Question for friends and family of survivors
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I totally agree.

The best thing you can do to repay us is to live a healthy, clean, honest life. To get help when you need it instead of turning to addictions, to reach out when you are in pain, to be brave and "walk the high road" when you can and ask for help when you can't.

#68000 - 10/30/03 06:10 AM Re: Question for friends and family of survivors
gryffindor Offline

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois

I agree with the others. The very best thing my friend can do for me is to get to know himself, accept himself, like himself, and get along with himself, in other words, to allow himself to become entirely whole and to allow himself to be himself instead of what he thinks he should be. In order for that to happen the walls of amnesia will have to melt. I don't know if that will ever happen. He has a lot invested in the current construct of himself. It's a way of permitting himself to do things he would otherwise never allow himself to do. Aside from being SAed, I don't think he was ever allowed to have any fun as a child, except to go to the movies. If he ever does become whole, it would be nice if he said thank you. It isn't really necessary; one or two of his parts thank me frequently, but still it would be nice.

I don't think I answered your question. I know that you love your friends. You can say thank you to them; tell them that you'll do your best to be a friend to them and that you'll be able to be a better friend as you get stronger. The most important thing is for you to do everything you can to take care of your own physical and mental health, to be your own best friend. Don't worry about repaying your friends. You don't owe them anything except to be there, if you can, for them if they are ever in a jam. People have done things for me that I will never be able to repay directly to them. What I do is try to help whoever I can as a sort of indirect repayment; that is, if I can't help the one who helped me then I will help someone else who needs help. I hope I have helped you to answer your question. \:D


"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

#68001 - 10/30/03 02:14 PM Re: Question for friends and family of survivors
Pollyanna Offline

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
I agree with everyone who said "be good to yourself".

As for thank you, every time I see any progress from my little buddy, it's the greatest thank you I could ever dream of. The more trust he places in me, the more I am determined to always live up to it.

Hugs are magic!


"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott


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