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#67930 - 10/10/03 03:11 PM low self esteem
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
My H and I have been married for 17 yrs and we have 2 beautiful daughters. I found out 9 mo. ago that my H had an affair (with a SA survivor) and that he had been SA almost nightly for 7 yrs. by his older brother. He has been going to a therapist for about 7 months now. The flashbacks and nightmares have somewhat subsided and he seems to be doing a little bit better. My question is that he has such low self-esteem and tells me all the time what a loser he is, what a terrible person he is and EVERYTHING he says about himself is negative. I tell him all the time what his good qualities are but he doesnt think he has any. I wanted to see if anyone had some ideas to what I can do to help him feel better about himself.
Thank you,

#67931 - 10/10/03 03:37 PM Re: low self esteem
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

Yeh I do actually have a suggestion. Get him to come here and read and join as a guest. This has been done woth others of us. He has to know he is not alone and that it was never is fault ever for the SA.



#67932 - 10/11/03 12:52 AM Re: low self esteem
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike has all the best ideas ! ;\)

The one thing that turned me around more than anything was the reality that I wasn't alone.
Ok, I knew for 'ever' that children were sexually abused, but there was some block in my mind that kept me from making the connection with them and me.

I thought I was a sick freak who joined in willingly, and 'they' were poor souls who'd been abused by dirty old men.

The truth is different, the perps are the sick freaks and we've all been abused.

Tell him you've been here and read some things, sometimes the 'power of suggestion' is a great way to encourage someone to do something.
If you 'tease' him with bits of information that you know will relate to him he might get curious.

But I also have to say that it's unlikely you'll ever push him into doing anything, us survivors seem to only do it when we're ready to it. Unfortunately.

But show him you care, don't pass judgement ( however hard that might be ) and he'll begin to trust you and himself and see he's not a "sick freak"


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#67933 - 10/13/03 03:25 PM Re: low self esteem
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
Thank you for your suggestion that my H come here and read. I have done that but he doesn't feel he can do that right now. He says he gets enough right now from going to Therapy and he has started going to group therapy twice. Maybe he will come here in the future.
Thanks again,

#67934 - 10/29/03 12:18 PM Re: low self esteem
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome to you, and to your husband when he is able to come here. It is something I still struggle of also. People tell me anything as compliment, anything at all nice at me, and I am repulsed by it, just horror to think that is what they think, like how can they think I can be good like that? I hope that the therapy helps him, and I hope that he is able to come here in the future. This is good place.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#67935 - 11/02/03 03:35 AM Re: low self esteem
stride Offline

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada

My guy too, seems to hate being complimented. He has even become angry with me many times for complimenting him, while at other times he seems to glow at my esteem of him. I never know when it will be "safe" for me to say something nice to him and when it will put him off or anger him. Still, it is my nature to be complimentary when the thought/feeling occurs to me and my compliments are always genuine/heartfelt, so most of the time I just share those positive thoughts with him and leave his response up to him.

In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.


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