I seem to get more results when I yell at him and don't let him resent me for his giving, if you will...(is this what you mean by "I didn't demand that he give enough"?)
I really meant, I didn't make ridiculous demands on his time and energy and while treating him like he was doing the bare minimum. This would have fed his resentment but also would have been familiar to him.
As a kid, he was taught that the amount of love people have for him was dependent on the amount of their needs he met for them. He and his siblings were expected to fill some very big emotional holes in the lives of the adults around them, and also expected to stifle their own needs so that these same adults wouldn't have to feel inconvenienced or inadequate.
When I did ask him for things, this triggered anger in him and he didn't want to give... but when I took care of things for myself that triggered feelings that I would have no reason to love him or that I didn't love him. And I am not talking about a level of independence that is out of line for a long term relationship. I am talking about things like-- he said he would do a chore when he came home from work and I had time so I did it myself before he got home that day. Or, when we were short on cash and the kids were small, I said I would rather get work doing childcare than see him take a second job.