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#67898 - 01/02/07 09:36 PM Re: The person looking back
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sar, when you say " his half of the>

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#67899 - 01/02/07 11:13 PM Re: The person looking back
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Hi Sar:
Thanks for your post. It is always amazing to me how much we all share in common experiences. The balance part is something that is difficult for me especially as a writer. There are weeks that pass when not much is happening to pen but then once gold strikes, I become a writing maniac. I truly wish it were something that I could say, okay from six to seven every morning I'm going to write and that will be it. Somehow it does not work that way. The muse sometimes hits during the middle of the night or just as we are sitting down to dinner.
I thought it was interesting that when my H read this posting he commented how he never resented my writing or the time it took me away from him because writing makes me happy. My H is one in a million!
Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#67900 - 01/04/07 09:26 AM Re: The person looking back
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I seem to get more results when I yell at him and don't let him resent me for his giving, if you will...(is this what you mean by "I didn't demand that he give enough"?)
I really meant, I didn't make ridiculous demands on his time and energy and while treating him like he was doing the bare minimum. This would have fed his resentment but also would have been familiar to him.

As a kid, he was taught that the amount of love people have for him was dependent on the amount of their needs he met for them. He and his siblings were expected to fill some very big emotional holes in the lives of the adults around them, and also expected to stifle their own needs so that these same adults wouldn't have to feel inconvenienced or inadequate.

When I did ask him for things, this triggered anger in him and he didn't want to give... but when I took care of things for myself that triggered feelings that I would have no reason to love him or that I didn't love him. And I am not talking about a level of independence that is out of line for a long term relationship. I am talking about things like-- he said he would do a chore when he came home from work and I had time so I did it myself before he got home that day. Or, when we were short on cash and the kids were small, I said I would rather get work doing childcare than see him take a second job.

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