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#67845 - 10/02/03 02:32 PM It gets scary for three days each month!!!
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I am writing here as a male SA survivor, and I woke up this morning thinking I should hold my wife. I've been reading some marriage literature, and it encourages the little things, like snuggling in the morning. But there were two problems this morning.

The first was that I realized about one minute into my holding her that I was the one needing the hug. I was in need yesterday and called her since my bodily memories were just so intense at work. She supported me last night.

The other problem is that she didn't get much sleep last night. She told me that recently I have started to moan and groan in my sleep. I'm not sure if I had ever done that before. But she just started going into full blown PMS, and that was the fuel for the fire this morning.

One little thing to add: I told her I dreamed of making love with her, which I did.

She got nasty with me after I forgot we had someone coming over today. She got nasty when I forgot where a key was. Everything about what I did pissed her off...and I chose to not get involved. I just looked at her, knowing she was completely irrational at that time. I know what it looks like--mom was a raging alcoholic. That was the only thing that kept me from opening up my mouth.

That pisses me off. I wrote her a simple email to her work. Here it is:

I will avoid you as long as you wish to abuse me with words. I didn't make you angry. I won't be a target for your anger either. Call me if you want to speak fairly with me. Don't call to justify your attack.

Alfred (end of letter)

She wrote back with fierce defenses about her reasons. I deleted her message after reading it (it was full of hurtful words) and I wrote a simple email to her work. In the subject line I wrote "Don't write back". Nothing else.

It's like for three days every month I have to strategize how to avoid pissing her off. We both know she has bad periods, and I consciosly become a peacekeeper. She is very nice when she is not PMSing, but I am expected to not EVER defend myself during this time. BULLSHIT! I don't need to take this abuse. I would REALLY appreciate some feedback.

Thank you.

#67846 - 10/02/03 04:06 PM Re: It gets scary for three days each month!!!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

I think every married man can relate to that. I just thank god I was born with the plumbing I have.
Being married takes one hell of a lot of work by both parties. We learn to recognize when to tread softly and when to discuss issues. I remember a time when my wife was going into menopause and my Daugter was just entering the thing. My god the fireworks were truly amazing. And I got it from all sides. But what the hell I have been shouted at and put down for other reasons too. I recognize that there are times when the ladies need space. I think we do too. I know my wife has been very supportive of me since I revealed all of my past to her. And I thank god that I have her.

I hope this helps a bit.



#67847 - 10/02/03 05:08 PM Re: It gets scary for three days each month!!!
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Yeah - PMS - it is like my mind and my emotions get totally taken over by aliens for about 5 days per month!

I would think that womens moods - even for guys with no abuse history - are hard to handle. Hell my own moods are hard for ME to take from time to time!

And it is difficult to follow the advice to "not take it personally"... when you have been through so much with your own mom... my fiance has tried to put down rules on me when I have PMS ... or else he makes up stuff to do and says "he's busy" when I have PMS - usually it backfires and I go after him, tell him off, etc.... so you're not the only one I have been known to dish out my own PMS insanity.

It helps if we can discuss his problems and concerns about my PMS when I dont have PMS - when I have it I am just likely to tell him to fuck off but when I'm not in PMS I am able to listen. Hold off on any questions, asking her to do anything, discussing anything serious until after the PMS! During PMS we are temporarily insane!


#67848 - 10/02/03 06:45 PM Re: It gets scary for three days each month!!!
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Thanks so much guys. I laughed as I read your responses. You could relate. Damn! Frustrating, but funny.

I feel like I should be mad, but I'm not. I am at the public library looking for other stuff, and I looked up PMS. There is a book for us uninformed guys, and the writing on the subject was short and sweet. I got reminded that she is going through hell and probably feels really guilty after assaulting me. So yeah, I'll stay wary of the potential fireworks, but I can accept her and try to be sensitive. Damn, and she's vocalized many times (when she wasn't PMSing) that she needs me to be sensitive to her during this time >-{. It is funny, and frustrating.

Thanks for posting.


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