Some of the troubles my BF and I have been having seem to be fading somewhat.... he completed a 12-week anger management group course for SA survivors this summer and is now continuing on with a group for Male SA survivors. Both programs are a mix of "talking" and education - a lot of stuff that is often brought up in this forum he's telling me about. Things we've already discussed - so good that he's learning these things too. Last night he learned about the "automatic reaction" that the body has to sexual stimulation - one thing that I've seen discussed on here a lot. He was feeling quite amazed and astounded and light and happy as someone finally told him that just because his body reacted (he got an erection, etc) he did NOT enjoy what happened to him and he did NOT ask for it. I told him that this was a topic that I've seen discussed on here - that there was even a thread sometime back in the summer that discussed sexual stimulation as completely outside of the conscious mind, and that the body reacts to it, whether it is wanted or not.
I know that's one thing that has been eating him up for years (it triggered a lot of guilt and shame, and triggered gender identity issues) and finally someone has helped lift that burden. He was just *sparkling* last night when he came to see me after his group!
I guess all of his work in both Group anger and SA therapy has really knocked down some big barriers between us and built up a new level of trust..... as he popped the BIG question a few weeks ago. We're planning on getting married sometime in Fall 2004.
I guess then his next big challenge is still the investigation against his perp which will probably go ahead by Christmas.... it appears that this perp is now out of his job temporarily (the perp's profession gives him ready access to kids - why he's been able to stay in that job for 20 years and nobody's complained about him just fucking boggles my mind) but it appears that this freak's life is about to change...
Sorry for my harsh language but y'all can truly understand the bitter hatred I feel towards his perp - fucking freak of nature that he is. I have dreams of running him over many many times with my car, or stabbing him.. I'd never do it of course but the intensity of my dreams about that guy (a guy I've never met) is astounding.
But on the up side, despite all our crap and trauma, our relationship is really on the up-swing. I've really learned how not to put fuel on the fire and to take care of myself better when he's down and in "me" mode, or when he's truly freaking out. I know he will eventually come back, and that if things go on badly for too long, he will seek support/therapy. I've actually sought some therapy for myself to not be sucked into his anger, to learn more about SA and to come to terms with my own trauma that gets triggered when he's being triggered.
However it really his helping that he's done a good job of learning how not to lash out at me, and instead he sometimes he's even got up the nerve to talk to me about his feelings instead! Breakthrough!
We're still very nervous about what effects the case/investigation against his perp may do to him/us, however we both figured that this case is really something thats been a long time coming.. its just the culmination of about 7 years of hard work on my BF's part. A lot of this work has happened well before I got on the scene 2 years ago which is very much a blessing. We are both planning on having our own therapists throughout the time frame when the case goes through so we are not planning on shouldering this traumatic experience alone.
Hopefully this case will be the evidence he needs to get some "victim's compensation" (there exists a fund in Canada where he may be able to get free therapy and possibly other $$ to "compensate" for other damages). Hard not to dream in technicolour when I think of that - wouldnt it be a kick for him to get free therapy AND money to go to school - that he could reclaim his education/professional life that was so badly damaged (he dropped out of high school) when he suffered his SA.
Anyhow.. thanks again to everyone who has been supportive...just wanted to put a story of hope on here today!