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#67638 - 11/28/06 06:18 AM confused,numb and withdrawn
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
In no small part do i think i am not worthy of being loved,but i am however afraid to love another person enough to know in my core self i am going to be okay.Feelings for me for a better part of my life have always been real difficult and i now have met someone and unsure and confused as to how i feel about her,i do allow her to spend time with me and yet i feel numb when she asks me how i am really feeling.She has accepted me with all the crap that goes with having been tortured as a kid in ways i could have never thought possible.Yet at the same time i can't figure out why i think i want her to be a part of my life,do i want her in my life as a result of feeling alone and she fills this need or do i actually have feelings that i am unable to connect with thereby allowing myself to let her get close to that place within me that i simply refuse to be exposed too and of course get hurt.I know i am going to be okay but also i am shutting down when she is around and knowing this i can label my feelings which are all twisted like the x-mas decorations in the attic.I am very aware of pushing her away and she will not let me because she has told me this.I do not want to be pushed into a corner but i am feeling trapped and therefore come out fighting and all the feelings i'm afraid to deal with could come out in ways i know i will ultimately regret.Am i alone in feeling and thinking like this or am i simply afraid and confused because i am not used to all this attention and affection i am getting from being in a (sober) relationshiop for the first time in over 4 years.Essentially i have no idea what i want nor do i have a clue if these are all normal emotoins that are of the normal process in letting someone in enough to take the chance of being hurt but also never knowing if i could have met someone i pushed away due to my burden of being afriad to otherwise experience the feelings one has who is willing to take that next step.Sorry for the rambling i just can't deal wtih the work and feelings that go with being involved a relationship.I am for sure NOT attracted to her in any way and that could be the problem......PLEASE HELP ME...Coop

" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#67639 - 11/28/06 07:55 PM Re: confused,numb and withdrawn
sis Offline

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
If you are not attracted to her then that certainly has a lot to do with it. Getting and staying sober is but a start. Now you get to do the work to recover from your csa. Maybe your not ready to be in a relationship. You know that it is a one day at a time program. I know for myself tht i am not ready for a relationship and am not going to force it. Feelings are just that, feelings! Explore those feelings deeper. See a couselor if you feel the need. But be honest with your friend about your feelings. Attraction to me is initially important but there is much more to it. I hope you figure this out but don't rush yourself. all you have is today. light and luv, sis


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