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#67478 - 08/26/03 04:40 PM Calling 911
HisWife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/03
Posts: 2
This morning I am filled with rage. I want to destroy something. I am dizzy with anger. I think I need emergency counseling services!

I want to kill her. She destroyed his character before it ever had a chance to develope. She insured our marriage never had a chance. After all these years of struggle, of constantly trying to adapt my ways to suit him, of remaking myself time and time again because I was trying to be who he wanted, of constantly failing, now I know the reason why and I wanna KILL SOMETHING!

See, I always knew there had been incestual contact between him and his sister, but I thought it was when he was around eight years old and she was sixteen. That would have been bad enough, but I thought it went on for just a short while and ended when she left home to get married.

Since he finally confessed, I find that it went on for ten years or more. Right through both her marriages, through her pregnancy, it went on even after we started dating and probably even after we got married!

I remember times we'd go to her house when we were dating. Her husband was in the military, in Vietnam at the time. She'd go back to her bedroom and call him back there, they'd close the door and stay back there for long periods of time while I sat in the living room with her two year old son and twiddled my thumbs. He always explained it away by saying she had 'problems' she needed to discuss with him that she didn't want anyone to know about.


Now I know. He married me with HER permission, so that things would look normal. He was in love with her, so dominated by her that he had no mind of his own. He never even had a girlfriend before me. Now I know why. SHE WOULDN'T LET HIM!!! He told me Sunday night "*** thought she owned me. She told me what I could and could not do."

He married me, then promptly forgot I existed, went on with his life as though I didn't matter, because I didn't. I was just a cover. HE EVEN NAMED OUR DAUGHTER AFTER HER!!!

I want to run away and never look back. I want to make them pay for using me in such a perverted way. I don't think this can be fixed. I don't think I can ever forgive him for using me that way.

#67479 - 08/26/03 09:22 PM Re: Calling 911
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
that's just awful for you. And I have no suggestions to offer. I can't imagine your betrayal.

But it does go to show the power pedophiles - of either sex - have over their victims.
I would possibly suggest that once she had her brother in her grip he could not find a way out.
Ok, I know that once again it sounds like a ready made excuse, but once things got out of control, who was he going to turn to ?

I bet she told him that nobody would believe him, after all, men are usually seen as the agressors and perpetrators.

It's easy to imagine perpetrators as stupid people, but they aren't. They are clever manipulators who usually get what they want - the complete control over another person.

I hope you find a way through - or out - of this mess. But I don't doubt that things are never going to be the same again.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#67480 - 08/27/03 12:40 AM Re: Calling 911
stpbb Offline

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
I'm so sorry.

do you have any good counseling or crisis services there? You deserve to get support to help you deal with this. I think learning about SA will eventually help you understand what has happened, but it really sounds like right now you need someone who can listen & help you get through this new info.

I wish there was anything else I could say about it that might help.

hang in there, you'll get through it. From your original post it sounds like you are good at finding info & resources for yourself, so i'm sure you'll find what you need to get through this as well.

Take care.


#67481 - 08/27/03 05:57 AM Re: Calling 911
gryffindor Offline

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
I don't know what to say in the face of your pain. You have been horribly used. Your sister-in-law is an extremely sick woman. She began miseduating your husband when he was eight years old. He never had a chance to grow up emotionally. Be very careful with your anger. Write down what you feel like doing to him and to her. Post or pm anyone here. Do not act out your feelings because if you do, you will end up regretting it. Tell your husband that he must choose between his sister and you. Tell him that choosing you doesn't mean that you are choosing him because you don't know if your marriage can survive everything you have learned about him and his sister. If he chooses you, it simply means that you are not throwing him out. If he chooses you, he must sever his relationship with his sister for the duration of your marriage. If that means moving far away, then so be it. Tell your husband that if he wants to remain living in your house, he must get into therapy. You probably should also, to help you through this very rough time.

If he chooses her, get him and his stuff out of your house one way or another so long as it's legal, file for divorce, and ask the court to not allow joint custody of your daughter and possibly no visiting privileges at all because you fear for her safety. Your sister-in-law did not become the way she is all by herself. Someone incested her when she was very young; she passed it to her brother; he must not pass it to your daughter.

I hope your husband stays with you. It will mean that he chooses to heal. Even so, you may decide that remaining married is impossible; but don't leave in order to get revenge. Forget revenge. It will only come back to haunt you.

I wish I had a magic wand. If I did, I would wave it over you and your husband and make all this evil disappear. But I don't. All I can say is that I am wishing you the very best of all that is good. God bless you.


"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

#67482 - 08/31/03 08:41 PM Re: Calling 911
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26

I know it has been a few days since your post, but I am still at a loss for the right words. I am sorry that this happened, to you, your husband, and your family. The decision of whether to leave the relationship or to stay is solely yours.

I know the abuse is shocking, infuriating and devastating. But I think learning about it helps. A support system is also invaluable. (The people here are great, if you haven't already noticed.) You need to vent those feelings sometimes.

You sound angry and probably devastated. That is totally understandable. I don't know if I could handle everything you're going through right now and still stay in the relationship. Be strong, reach out to those who will support you, and do what you think is best for you and your family. Remember, we are here if you need us. Good luck to you.



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