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#67390 - 08/17/03 01:30 AM Am I Selfish?
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Lately I have been feeling so unappreciated, so unloved. I can't exactly say why I feel this way, I just know I do. Nothing is much different than it has been the past few months, I don't get this at all. I know my husband loves me, but I feel starved for affection. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, though I try to help everyone. I care passionately and love unconditionally, but I still feel unappreciated. Maybe I'm blind. I have dreams, but they seem as if they'll never come true.
My husband says it's his SA that's taking his toll on me, but it isn't. I know that is not my problem, but he won't accept that it isn't. I look up information, I read, I learn as much as I can to help him. I see his progress and I want to cry happy tears for him.
Am I selfish for wanting love and attention? Am I selfish for wanting his affection (not just sex)? Am I selfish for wanting to know I'm desireable? Am I selfish for wanting to spend quality time with him, instead of watching the damn TV?!? Am I selfish because I want to know I helped someone? Am I selfish because I would like to hear a genuine "thank you" for once? I thought being married and a mom made you wonder woman; I now realize that it makes you crazy woman instead!
Thanks for listening to my crap. Sorry if this sounds selfish.

#67391 - 08/17/03 02:48 AM Re: Am I Selfish?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Dear LP,

The effects of my SA ended up leaving my wife with the feelings that I did not love her and did not appreciate her. This could not have been further from the truth, for I adored this woman. But to her, these feelings were very real. I have lost her, as she went looking for the love and affection that she could feel. These are real needs that do need to be met. As I need to heal and learn to deal with my SA to take care of myself, she needed to take care of herself.

I believe that is where your similarities end. My wife had no desire to deal with my SA. She could not believe it would be the root of her feelings. She has used this as justifications for abandoning me. She has further used it to guilt me and says I was not SA, that I am using that for justifications for my actions as a child.

LP, I appreciate that you are there for your husband and my brothers. I appreciate your effort to help the other family members and friends of our brothers. The desire and need for love and affection is not selfish.

Thank you LP, \:D


Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#67392 - 08/17/03 04:54 PM Re: Am I Selfish?
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Thank you for your heartfelt reply. I am sorry your wife left. When we got married, I told hubby that he'd never get a divorce, he'd have to kiil me first. \:\)
Thank you also for appreciating what I do. I try to help everyone I can. (That goes for you too, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here)
I'm feeling a little better today, your post made me smile. I think I was just having a bad day. Thanks again, Bill.


#67393 - 08/17/03 08:20 PM Re: Am I Selfish?
Marcs friend Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/03
Posts: 16
Loc: Maine
LP -

I hope you were just having a bad day. I'm new to this site (maybe 19-20 hours) but have read messages you have posted and have thought many times that your husband is a very lucky man. I've also thought that he must be pretty special too since he has your unconditional love and devotion. I wondered how you are doing, yourself. You haven't chosen an easy road - but I think it's worth it. For your husband, for all survivors, for the children who are being abused right now. You are doing your part (and then some!) to make things better. You are part of the solution, not the problem. It's okay for you to feel unappreciated sometimes - you probably deserve hundreds of thank-yous every day but only hear it a few times. You have helped me too. Thank you.

#67394 - 08/17/03 09:37 PM Re: Am I Selfish?
martin Offline

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Yes, I appreciate what you are doing too. Supporting someone recovering from SA can't be easy.

You're not suffering from the effects of his SA, just the effects of his recovery. It can take a toll to recover as well.

Thanks again LP, we really do appreciate all the help of family and friends.


Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

#67395 - 08/17/03 10:37 PM Re: Am I Selfish?
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Marc's friend and Martin (Aaron)-
Thank you for your kind and uplifting responses. I feel much better after reading them. I even thought of opening a center in my area for male SA survivors. Maybe someday hubby and I can do that together. I guess I'm wierd, since he has started working on his SA, I've turned into active mode or something. I just want to help everyone.Marc's friend, I'm glad to hear I helped you. Hugs to everyone here.
I do feel much better. I got some time away from the house, even if it was just to do some errands.
Thanks again guys. You're the greatest.



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