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#67326 - 08/13/03 07:22 AM Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
OK guys (and supporters), here comes another difficult and probably unanswerable question. How do you get past the "WHY?" ? I ask because I am helping my hubby work on his healing journey and he is stuck at why. Why did this happen to me? Why was it so bad? Why can't it all just go away? Why did HE do this to me? Why does it seem hopeless that I'll ever be "normal"? Why are the flashbacks so intense? Why can't I find the emotions that I know I felt and need to be expressed? Why do I get these wierd feelings? etc. The only answer I can give is the harsh reality that he'll never know exactly why.
And while I'm at it, here's another good one. How can you not be angry at or hate your abuser? (at one point in time, at least) I do not understand this. I can name all kinds of horrible things I would LOVE to do to my hubby's perp. \:D The dude is SCUM! \:o OK enough hard questions for now.
Any insight or ideas would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Loving Partner

#67327 - 08/13/03 04:26 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

I don't or at least haven't gotten past "why?" yet. I'm not sure that I will. Is it necessary? Do most guys get past it? I don't know.

Hate the perp. I probably should, shouldn't I? I guess I still don't see through all the lies, that he was offering me some kind of companionship that I really needed/wanted instead of abuse. I don't know. I've read about feeling anger when one can feel compassion for one's younger self. I don't have a real strong connection to my younger self, inner child, that's for sure.

Best I can offer right now.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#67328 - 08/13/03 08:03 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
Your question is a very philosophical one. "Why" depends on your philosophical view of the world. My answer to "Why did it happen to me?" and all of the other questions is...."Because it happened"

#67329 - 08/13/03 10:13 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I suppose I've been fairly lucky with not asking myself the "Why?" question. I've always been on to kind of accept what is and asking why isn't going to help. The closest I have come is asking "How?" (such as "how could someone do that to a little child?" I don't know if that counts as a why or not.)

As far as anger towards my perps, its strange. My first perp I feel such an incredible rage towards, even though I can't really remember the abuse. The second, whose abuse I can recall fairly well, is different. Sometimes I feel angry towards him, other times I can't because he was only a teenager himself.

How can I not be angry at him? I don't know. I have to wonder what had happened to him to cause him to abuse me. My first perp was an adult, and regardless of what his past may or may not have held, I cannot concieve of anything that could cause him to abuse me. The second was just a kid though. Older than me, stronger and smarter than me, but still probably as confused and lost as I was trying to grope his way to understanding the world.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself well here or not, but I hope this helps LP.


#67330 - 08/13/03 10:27 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Thanks for the replies so far. They are helping. I know those were a couple questions I (and probably some other supporters) needed to understand. I wasn't SA myself, so I ask you these things. (I'm good at the hard to answer questions, huh?) Your insight is wonderful. I look forward to seeing what others have to say. Maybe someone who is pretty far in their healing journey could give us all some insight, huh? Hugs to you all, you people are great!

#67331 - 08/14/03 10:57 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
"Why ?" who knows ?

You'd have to get the perp into therapy, or torture, whatever would get the truth.
But I don't think you'd ever get a satisfactory answer.

The "why" is so deep and complex, there are too many factors to consider, and it's only useful to consider them from our point of view - the survivors.

We have to gain an understanding of the "why" process as much as we can.
By that I mean, and this is my view of it, we have to go back and understand the way we were at the time, how did we actually react, what was our level of intellectual understanding at the time ( not only of the abuse, but more importantly of 'our world' in general ) and what had we learned as a part of our growing up ?

By going back to these things in therapy I 'discovered' that my upbringing had made me into a naive and vulnerable child.
And perps can smell kids like that a mile away.

That was the nearest I ever got to my "why" question.

My anger at the perps I've only just arrived at.
You might have noticed that I've changed my tag line at the bottom of my posts and the Sartre quote about forgiveness has gone.
I was last abused in June 1967, and it's taken me this long to get angry with them. Up until now I believe I've been angry with the world, and myself.

Anger is a good emotion to feel, and it's a useful one in our recovery. As long as it's not a consuming anger.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#67332 - 08/15/03 04:54 PM Re: Getting past WHY??? . . . and beyond
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Speaking from my survivor side *** could trigger**

I have always thot more along the lines of WHY NOT ?? Of course ME, because I am the "stronger one, the tougher one, the more empathetic one, compassionate one, the one who has the "Extra Eye" to see ...
Crock of BS without the tomato & lettuce on the side? Probably, but "IT" got me thru those years.
Better me than XXX, because I am stronger BECAUSE of "IT", In Spite of "IT"...
No I dont want to come off sounding as the martyr, or egotistical or any of that sh*t, but I know for sure at least ONE Thing
I DIDNT GO ON TO HURT MY OWN DAUGHTERS (or anyone else for that matter) BECAUSE OF WHY I WAS.....
and that is the most important part for me, they are strong and beautiful, loving, caring, empathetic, understanding, creative, sarcastic, humorous, can Love unconditonally, feel Anger , ACT on their convictions and be FREE of the Ghosts that haunt me and others who survive... So WHY NOT ME? Who better?
I Did Good Anyway! AND continue to do good ANYWAY!
off my soap box now but only for a short while
Peace Fill Us All ~ Sammy


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