You don't owe anyone explanations here, just say what you want and how you feel.
I've never been able to just come out and ask for help. The "who wins" thing, I never thought about it that way before... I'll give it some thought.
Goddamn I would love to be able to just come out and ask for help, or confront the old man, or cry, or love something other than alcohol/drugs and my motorcycle!
All these things take time Jay. You have made a LOT of progress since you came here, but give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. No one is keeping a tally on you or looking to judge you. The important thing is to stay on the path, but also to find your own pace and keep safe.